Confused, hurt, sad, angry, and just plan emotional!!

Normally this is a tough month, but I feel like it's a bit tougher this time around. In seventeen days it'll be exactly 9 years since a very inspirational, loving, kind hearted, bubbly little girl left this world. I'm lucky enough to call her my baby sister! Even with her absence she has pushed as well as taught me to better myself, realize when someone isn't worthy of my companionship/friendship, and even taught me to never except anything less then the best and what I deserve in life. Yes, lately I've wondered a lot more who she would be today, where would she be in life, what would she look like, and I can't help but wonder those things. They're unanswered questions that I'm sure everyone who had lost a loved one wonders.

I also believe Lizzy brought a very amazing woman into my life. Who I have became extremely close with in the short amount of time we've been friends. Her name is Jess, her and I have a tremendous amount of things in common, and in all reality witout her help I don't know how I would've dealt with things that've been happening in my life lately. Yes, she's pregnant and I'm helping her through it the best I can, but this month is also an extremely tough heart wrenching month for her as well. It marks seven years sense she lost her mom plus her mom's birthday, and she is having a really rough time dealing with it right now. She's also going through a huge mile maker that normally you experience with your mom. Although, she has an amazing mom in her life who loves her dearly, and does everything to make sure Jess and the baby are happy and healthy she's still struggling with not having her mother her with her.

Our angelversaries dates are very close together so we are both trying to help hold one another up. But then I had a monkey wrench thrown into the mix...Sunday, April 29th, 2012 a very, very special woman who is a second mom to me passed away.

I have been in denial and not wanting to believe it's true since I got the news, but last night reality hit. So, I've been struggling myself, as well as being nothing short of an emotional mess! I just want to wake up from my horrible bad dream, and all this heartache be gone. None of this can be true...it just can't be!! Those are the comments that keep running threw my mind non stop right now. I know momma Pat isn't hurting anymore and she's still watching down over us, but I selfishly want her back...not just for myself but for her whole family, she has a brand new grandson who needs to know his nan-nan like his sissy does!!

All of this tragedy just isn't fare. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I feel like sometimes he wanted me to hold the world on my shoulders and I just can't do it. Is it wrong that I just want to hide out? I want to yell and scream until I get answers as to why this had to happen? Why do we need to feel this much grief in the short 23 years of life? Did I do something wrong to deserve this much heartache in my life? I just want to know why :'(

Sorry, that I was all over the place and rambled on but I dont know how else to express how I'm feeling right now.

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Can't sleep...

Well here I am wide awake unable to sleep because of a wonderful sinus infection && head cold I have. It's super difficult to sleep when you're unable to breath lol...so, I have decided what better time then now to write about the adventures my life has been going through.
I learned about a week ago there are certain things that trigger my anger very easily...such as being told "you don't understand the meaning of a true relationship where you're with someone you think is the one && only for you," "one day when you're in a serious relationship you'll realize you can't have friends of the opposite sex," or my favorite one "hr might've been your best friend but now we're dating && the only female he needs in his life to talk to or be around is me. And once you're in a serious relationship with a guy you won't want him around anymore anyways!!" Bahaha yea these are all exact quotes from the girl Rory is dating who is supsta be my friend...I'm sorry but last time I checked you don't say things like that to friends. Granted yes, she's been married and has two kids already but obviously she missed judged him being her one && only or else she wouldn't be in the middle of a divorce right?? I never in a million years thought I could become as livid as I did that day she told me all that then admitted she didn't want Rory && I to hang out without her because she has insecurities and sometimes thinks id try to do something to ruin their relationship...Really like wow!! Do I come off as that type of a female?? Mind you this girl has known me since I was 4 and she was 6, you would think she knows me better then that. I just don't understand why females have to be so catty and nasty towards other females. I mean this is a perfect example as to why I have very very few female friends I trust, go to for advice or anything like that. But also I get along better with guys due to the fact my parents raised me saying you can do anything a boy can do minus a few things, but don't ever let them say that you can't do something they can. So, unfortunately ima tom boy through and through but I wouldn't have it any other way because I know I can rely on myself to get anything I needa do done.
Anyways, on to the next thing...Justin finally came home from Colorado after 9 months and was only here a day when he got a job so he's staying yay!!! I thought that was gonna be a rough situation after how everything went down before he left, but it isn't really any different then when he was in Colorado other then he stops by every now && then. We don't talk much a few text now && then but nothing like it use to be and im honestly happy that's the case because I had finally came to terms with everything && gotten over being mad && hurt by him that I was scared for him to move back. I didn't want those feelings to come rushing back, but im so proud of myself because for once I dealt with those feelings instead of stuffing them so when he moved back I realized they really were no longer there :) That is a really big step for me cause I normally just stuff my emotions && feelings so when the person I have hard feelings towards comes around it makes things hard on me, but not this time!!
With all of that being said && wrote ima try to watch a movie && get some sleep cause I feel soooo tired again finally lol!! Thanks for listening to me ramble && being interested in what's been going on in my non exciting life :)
P.S. this sickness couldn't have came at a worse time because I was supsta be on a beach in Cali today :( but im sick instead!! There's always next time though :)

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Because of you...

Everyone told me you were no good,

I always said you just don't know him like I do.

Now all I can say is you were right about him,

And all I hear in return is all the I told you so's!

But the worse part is you never even cared like you always said you did,

Which makes me completely hate everything about you.

Because my heart && feelings were just toys for you to play with,

Never did you intend on anything more than a friend or just a good time.

Well I've learned my lesson!!

Yes, it's been the hard painful way,

But because of you my walls are higher, my heart is colder && it will take so much for me to love again.

I thank you for that though, because now I know exactly what I want,

Which means I will never settle for one ounce less,

And I've became that much stronger through all the struggles that meant nothing to you!!

So, thank you for all the hurt, heartache, && tears that you've put me thru, I'll forever hate you for all you've done to me!!

((This poem is wrote because of the heartache that i am recently feeling. I never thought after knowing someone for about 14 yrs that they could totally just walk on you && pretend that you mean nothing after saying "i love you && i can see us being together one day." All i have to say is that im glad i didnt get as caught up in his bullshit as i could've && that i said enough is enough before i heard the news that he called me with on saturday. I just dont get how people can ruin an 18 yr marriage with 6 kids involved && soon to be 2 grandbabies involved && not even care at all...Are people really honestly that selfish && self centered in the world today?? It makes me sick to think that so many people do things like this && never even blink an eye. My heart goes out to all soon to be 10 children involved in this horrible mess that 3 people created outta "fun or booty calls"!!))

(This is the start of my next poem...im having a little brain blockage so i havent been able to finish it yet but figured i would share what i have anyways :) )

All I can do is think about you,

Knowing it will never be what I want it to be yet I just can't seem to stop myself,

This love that i feel is so right, is really oohh so wrong.

I close my eyes at night with noone but you on my mind && I awaken to holding my pillow wishing it was you instead.

But how can this be when this love i have for you is oohh so wrong?

Because you say you love me, yet i dont even think you truly care,

And i still let myself fall deeper && deeper into your trap!

This is all i have right now so please feel free to give me your feed back on these poems if you would like!! :)

Idk anymore...

Never knowing which way to turn && which way not to turn...I feel like I always make the wrong turn when God leads me to the fork in the road!! How do I know which is the right path && which isn't??
I have an extremely difficult time admitting this, but it's time to be more honest then I've ever been before. I'm depressed to the extent that sometimes my thoughts scary me, I'm not an angry person yet it seems that's the only emotion I seem to know anymore, && all I wanna do is hide out in my dark room without anyone else coming in there!! I don't like this feeling nor do I like the fact that I can't shake this depression. Instead I just seem to keep sinking farther && farther into the dark world of depression. Do you have any ideas that might help me slowly pull myself outta this dark place??
Yes, some of what is wrong is May 6th is a year since my last miscarriage. But I noticed a change in my mood before I realized what dates were coming up soon!! I have been bottling any && all emotiobs for the last 8 years && I think it's finally catching up to me, but my painted on/forced happy face is so faded that anyone who is close to me can tell there's something wrong. Almost as if im slowly piece by piece dying from the inside out...
I don't like these feelings!!!! I want them to go away but idk how to do it on my own...yes, im slowly but surely leaning more && more on God for answers. My down fall is that I'm not a patient person && I tend to talk when I should be listening...so if you have any advice please tell me because I need any && all help I can get!!! Thank you :)

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Brain running crazy...

Okay I don't know where to start or where to end so please bare with me. I'm so flustered && confused at the fact someone can/does tell me "You know I like you alot, a lot more then you even really know or can imagine. But right now I just want to mess around nothing serious just get ass from anyone && everyone who is willing to just do that with me. Although once im ready for a relationship you'll be the first to know beautiful!" Seriously, where does anyone && I mean ANYONE get off thinking that is okay to say to someone?? I mean yes he holds a very huge spot in my heart && has for years but im not the back burner girl or keep her on the hook by telling her things she wants to hear every now && then...I'm better then that && deserve someone who would never even imagine saying something like that to me let alone actually acting on those words.
Yes, I know I can't pull any random guy I want outta a crowd, but I was raised knowing I deserve to be treated with respect && the same way I will treat a special someone who deserves to be spoiled the way I know I can spoil him!! I mean yes, I may let my heart normally get involved to soon but this is a life long crush, he was/is my best friend, && we've known each other for years so this is a tad different for me this time lol!! But I'm not about to settle for less then I deserve...my Daddy's always said I'm his princess && I believe I have a prince out here somewhere.
Even though the other night when I wasn't able to sleep && my mind was going crazy I decided to put a time limit on my love life haha...I said if I'm not married, engaged, or in a serious relationship by the time I'm 25 I'm staying single with no kids the rest of my life lol!!! Yes, the million dollar question to be answered on what made me decide this is...I look at it as I'm half way to 50 everyone else I know will be or already is married with children so I'm the lost cause && should just except the fact that I'ma be single haha!! The main part that sucks is I hate being alone && I love love love children so I hope this life plan isn't the one that comes true for me. I'd love to be someone's one && only to grow old with && live the perfect fairy tale(I know it isn't always perfect but that's part of life. If it means something to you && is worth fighting for then it's gonna be perfect for you).
Anyways, with all of that off of my chest && out for ya'll to give me feed back on I think I'ma call it a night!!! Night && sweet dreams :)

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I'm back && have lots to talk about...

Wow!!! It's been a very long time since I've been on here. So much has happened since my last post.
I'm not really sure where to start or what to get off my chest first so if im ramble on && on I'm apologizing a head of time lol!! So, with that being said im sorry if this blog is all over the place && just a ton of venting/rambling. :)

I'm going to strat with on Thanksgiving day a very wonderful && special woman joined Lizzy && the Lord in heaven. My aunt Marty had been battling cancer for about seven months && on Thanksgiving morning cancer won that battle!! She was given her wings && now soars with the Lord && all of the other very special people who I have lost throughout my life. It was a very difficult loss for me, but she's no longer in pain, smiling through painful tears, or just pushing on without complaining because she thinks that's what she has to do! My Aunt Marty is a great woman who is very much missed, but I'm happy she's no longer in pain && one day we will meet again. R.I.P. my sweet Aunt Marty you will continue to live on in everyones hearts!! <3

Next thing to talk about is the surgery I endured about a month && a half ago. Out of no where I had horrible unbearable abdomen pain that I wasn't able to explain or figure out what was causing it. After 13 days of horrible pain && 6 er visits, 3 family dr visits, && 1 specialist visit, rapid weight loss && unable to eat without vomiting they came to the vertic I had gall bladder disease!! After eating && having a horrible attack I was admitted into the hospital for four loong days where they ended up removing my gall bladder && finding out I also have acid reflex disease. Let me tell you the pain you go through when you have a gall bladder attack I wouldn't even wish on my worse enemy. Three people have told me it's worse then going through labor so that's just an example of how much pain I was enduring for 16 days before my surgery. I am now doing so much better thank god!! No pain since...I am now very caution on what I eat which has helped me with loosing weight because I eat so much healthier. There are still some things that trigger my stomach && make it upset but I can always do without those few things lol!! Infact since I got sick && then had surgery I have lost about 36 pounds && im not stopping there :)

Those are the main things I wanted to get off my chest right now, but since I now have the blogger app on my phone I will be posting like I use to!! :)

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Day 11...