Confused, hurt, sad, angry, and just plan emotional!!

Normally this is a tough month, but I feel like it's a bit tougher this time around. In seventeen days it'll be exactly 9 years since a very inspirational, loving, kind hearted, bubbly little girl left this world. I'm lucky enough to call her my baby sister! Even with her absence she has pushed as well as taught me to better myself, realize when someone isn't worthy of my companionship/friendship, and even taught me to never except anything less then the best and what I deserve in life. Yes, lately I've wondered a lot more who she would be today, where would she be in life, what would she look like, and I can't help but wonder those things. They're unanswered questions that I'm sure everyone who had lost a loved one wonders.

I also believe Lizzy brought a very amazing woman into my life. Who I have became extremely close with in the short amount of time we've been friends. Her name is Jess, her and I have a tremendous amount of things in common, and in all reality witout her help I don't know how I would've dealt with things that've been happening in my life lately. Yes, she's pregnant and I'm helping her through it the best I can, but this month is also an extremely tough heart wrenching month for her as well. It marks seven years sense she lost her mom plus her mom's birthday, and she is having a really rough time dealing with it right now. She's also going through a huge mile maker that normally you experience with your mom. Although, she has an amazing mom in her life who loves her dearly, and does everything to make sure Jess and the baby are happy and healthy she's still struggling with not having her mother her with her.

Our angelversaries dates are very close together so we are both trying to help hold one another up. But then I had a monkey wrench thrown into the mix...Sunday, April 29th, 2012 a very, very special woman who is a second mom to me passed away.

I have been in denial and not wanting to believe it's true since I got the news, but last night reality hit. So, I've been struggling myself, as well as being nothing short of an emotional mess! I just want to wake up from my horrible bad dream, and all this heartache be gone. None of this can be true...it just can't be!! Those are the comments that keep running threw my mind non stop right now. I know momma Pat isn't hurting anymore and she's still watching down over us, but I selfishly want her back...not just for myself but for her whole family, she has a brand new grandson who needs to know his nan-nan like his sissy does!!

All of this tragedy just isn't fare. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I feel like sometimes he wanted me to hold the world on my shoulders and I just can't do it. Is it wrong that I just want to hide out? I want to yell and scream until I get answers as to why this had to happen? Why do we need to feel this much grief in the short 23 years of life? Did I do something wrong to deserve this much heartache in my life? I just want to know why :'(

Sorry, that I was all over the place and rambled on but I dont know how else to express how I'm feeling right now.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Can't sleep...

Well here I am wide awake unable to sleep because of a wonderful sinus infection && head cold I have. It's super difficult to sleep when you're unable to breath lol...so, I have decided what better time then now to write about the adventures my life has been going through.
I learned about a week ago there are certain things that trigger my anger very easily...such as being told "you don't understand the meaning of a true relationship where you're with someone you think is the one && only for you," "one day when you're in a serious relationship you'll realize you can't have friends of the opposite sex," or my favorite one "hr might've been your best friend but now we're dating && the only female he needs in his life to talk to or be around is me. And once you're in a serious relationship with a guy you won't want him around anymore anyways!!" Bahaha yea these are all exact quotes from the girl Rory is dating who is supsta be my friend...I'm sorry but last time I checked you don't say things like that to friends. Granted yes, she's been married and has two kids already but obviously she missed judged him being her one && only or else she wouldn't be in the middle of a divorce right?? I never in a million years thought I could become as livid as I did that day she told me all that then admitted she didn't want Rory && I to hang out without her because she has insecurities and sometimes thinks id try to do something to ruin their relationship...Really like wow!! Do I come off as that type of a female?? Mind you this girl has known me since I was 4 and she was 6, you would think she knows me better then that. I just don't understand why females have to be so catty and nasty towards other females. I mean this is a perfect example as to why I have very very few female friends I trust, go to for advice or anything like that. But also I get along better with guys due to the fact my parents raised me saying you can do anything a boy can do minus a few things, but don't ever let them say that you can't do something they can. So, unfortunately ima tom boy through and through but I wouldn't have it any other way because I know I can rely on myself to get anything I needa do done.
Anyways, on to the next thing...Justin finally came home from Colorado after 9 months and was only here a day when he got a job so he's staying yay!!! I thought that was gonna be a rough situation after how everything went down before he left, but it isn't really any different then when he was in Colorado other then he stops by every now && then. We don't talk much a few text now && then but nothing like it use to be and im honestly happy that's the case because I had finally came to terms with everything && gotten over being mad && hurt by him that I was scared for him to move back. I didn't want those feelings to come rushing back, but im so proud of myself because for once I dealt with those feelings instead of stuffing them so when he moved back I realized they really were no longer there :) That is a really big step for me cause I normally just stuff my emotions && feelings so when the person I have hard feelings towards comes around it makes things hard on me, but not this time!!
With all of that being said && wrote ima try to watch a movie && get some sleep cause I feel soooo tired again finally lol!! Thanks for listening to me ramble && being interested in what's been going on in my non exciting life :)
P.S. this sickness couldn't have came at a worse time because I was supsta be on a beach in Cali today :( but im sick instead!! There's always next time though :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1

Because of you...

Everyone told me you were no good,

I always said you just don't know him like I do.

Now all I can say is you were right about him,

And all I hear in return is all the I told you so's!

But the worse part is you never even cared like you always said you did,

Which makes me completely hate everything about you.

Because my heart && feelings were just toys for you to play with,

Never did you intend on anything more than a friend or just a good time.

Well I've learned my lesson!!

Yes, it's been the hard painful way,

But because of you my walls are higher, my heart is colder && it will take so much for me to love again.

I thank you for that though, because now I know exactly what I want,

Which means I will never settle for one ounce less,

And I've became that much stronger through all the struggles that meant nothing to you!!

So, thank you for all the hurt, heartache, && tears that you've put me thru, I'll forever hate you for all you've done to me!!

((This poem is wrote because of the heartache that i am recently feeling. I never thought after knowing someone for about 14 yrs that they could totally just walk on you && pretend that you mean nothing after saying "i love you && i can see us being together one day." All i have to say is that im glad i didnt get as caught up in his bullshit as i could've && that i said enough is enough before i heard the news that he called me with on saturday. I just dont get how people can ruin an 18 yr marriage with 6 kids involved && soon to be 2 grandbabies involved && not even care at all...Are people really honestly that selfish && self centered in the world today?? It makes me sick to think that so many people do things like this && never even blink an eye. My heart goes out to all soon to be 10 children involved in this horrible mess that 3 people created outta "fun or booty calls"!!))

(This is the start of my next poem...im having a little brain blockage so i havent been able to finish it yet but figured i would share what i have anyways :) )

All I can do is think about you,

Knowing it will never be what I want it to be yet I just can't seem to stop myself,

This love that i feel is so right, is really oohh so wrong.

I close my eyes at night with noone but you on my mind && I awaken to holding my pillow wishing it was you instead.

But how can this be when this love i have for you is oohh so wrong?

Because you say you love me, yet i dont even think you truly care,

And i still let myself fall deeper && deeper into your trap!

This is all i have right now so please feel free to give me your feed back on these poems if you would like!! :)

Idk anymore...

Never knowing which way to turn && which way not to turn...I feel like I always make the wrong turn when God leads me to the fork in the road!! How do I know which is the right path && which isn't??
I have an extremely difficult time admitting this, but it's time to be more honest then I've ever been before. I'm depressed to the extent that sometimes my thoughts scary me, I'm not an angry person yet it seems that's the only emotion I seem to know anymore, && all I wanna do is hide out in my dark room without anyone else coming in there!! I don't like this feeling nor do I like the fact that I can't shake this depression. Instead I just seem to keep sinking farther && farther into the dark world of depression. Do you have any ideas that might help me slowly pull myself outta this dark place??
Yes, some of what is wrong is May 6th is a year since my last miscarriage. But I noticed a change in my mood before I realized what dates were coming up soon!! I have been bottling any && all emotiobs for the last 8 years && I think it's finally catching up to me, but my painted on/forced happy face is so faded that anyone who is close to me can tell there's something wrong. Almost as if im slowly piece by piece dying from the inside out...
I don't like these feelings!!!! I want them to go away but idk how to do it on my own...yes, im slowly but surely leaning more && more on God for answers. My down fall is that I'm not a patient person && I tend to talk when I should be listening...so if you have any advice please tell me because I need any && all help I can get!!! Thank you :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Brain running crazy...

Okay I don't know where to start or where to end so please bare with me. I'm so flustered && confused at the fact someone can/does tell me "You know I like you alot, a lot more then you even really know or can imagine. But right now I just want to mess around nothing serious just get ass from anyone && everyone who is willing to just do that with me. Although once im ready for a relationship you'll be the first to know beautiful!" Seriously, where does anyone && I mean ANYONE get off thinking that is okay to say to someone?? I mean yes he holds a very huge spot in my heart && has for years but im not the back burner girl or keep her on the hook by telling her things she wants to hear every now && then...I'm better then that && deserve someone who would never even imagine saying something like that to me let alone actually acting on those words.
Yes, I know I can't pull any random guy I want outta a crowd, but I was raised knowing I deserve to be treated with respect && the same way I will treat a special someone who deserves to be spoiled the way I know I can spoil him!! I mean yes, I may let my heart normally get involved to soon but this is a life long crush, he was/is my best friend, && we've known each other for years so this is a tad different for me this time lol!! But I'm not about to settle for less then I deserve...my Daddy's always said I'm his princess && I believe I have a prince out here somewhere.
Even though the other night when I wasn't able to sleep && my mind was going crazy I decided to put a time limit on my love life haha...I said if I'm not married, engaged, or in a serious relationship by the time I'm 25 I'm staying single with no kids the rest of my life lol!!! Yes, the million dollar question to be answered on what made me decide this is...I look at it as I'm half way to 50 everyone else I know will be or already is married with children so I'm the lost cause && should just except the fact that I'ma be single haha!! The main part that sucks is I hate being alone && I love love love children so I hope this life plan isn't the one that comes true for me. I'd love to be someone's one && only to grow old with && live the perfect fairy tale(I know it isn't always perfect but that's part of life. If it means something to you && is worth fighting for then it's gonna be perfect for you).
Anyways, with all of that off of my chest && out for ya'll to give me feed back on I think I'ma call it a night!!! Night && sweet dreams :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

I'm back && have lots to talk about...

Wow!!! It's been a very long time since I've been on here. So much has happened since my last post.
I'm not really sure where to start or what to get off my chest first so if im ramble on && on I'm apologizing a head of time lol!! So, with that being said im sorry if this blog is all over the place && just a ton of venting/rambling. :)

I'm going to strat with on Thanksgiving day a very wonderful && special woman joined Lizzy && the Lord in heaven. My aunt Marty had been battling cancer for about seven months && on Thanksgiving morning cancer won that battle!! She was given her wings && now soars with the Lord && all of the other very special people who I have lost throughout my life. It was a very difficult loss for me, but she's no longer in pain, smiling through painful tears, or just pushing on without complaining because she thinks that's what she has to do! My Aunt Marty is a great woman who is very much missed, but I'm happy she's no longer in pain && one day we will meet again. R.I.P. my sweet Aunt Marty you will continue to live on in everyones hearts!! <3

Next thing to talk about is the surgery I endured about a month && a half ago. Out of no where I had horrible unbearable abdomen pain that I wasn't able to explain or figure out what was causing it. After 13 days of horrible pain && 6 er visits, 3 family dr visits, && 1 specialist visit, rapid weight loss && unable to eat without vomiting they came to the vertic I had gall bladder disease!! After eating && having a horrible attack I was admitted into the hospital for four loong days where they ended up removing my gall bladder && finding out I also have acid reflex disease. Let me tell you the pain you go through when you have a gall bladder attack I wouldn't even wish on my worse enemy. Three people have told me it's worse then going through labor so that's just an example of how much pain I was enduring for 16 days before my surgery. I am now doing so much better thank god!! No pain since...I am now very caution on what I eat which has helped me with loosing weight because I eat so much healthier. There are still some things that trigger my stomach && make it upset but I can always do without those few things lol!! Infact since I got sick && then had surgery I have lost about 36 pounds && im not stopping there :)

Those are the main things I wanted to get off my chest right now, but since I now have the blogger app on my phone I will be posting like I use to!! :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Day 11...

Day 10...

~~~A photo taken of you 10 years ago && how it makes you feel now when you see it or look at it~~~

This is a picture taken of me and megan(one of my best friends since elementary school) we were in the like the six grade or something. Im not totally sure but it is an old picture. When i look at this picture im happy because we were so young && im able to say that we're still friends through thick && thin. Never in a million years would i think looking back at this picture that megan would be married with two beautiful boys && me a mommy of two angel babies && a sister of an angel sister. But here i am and that is exactly where we are at with life right now.

It's funny how young and innocent we look. This photo of us actually brings a big smile to my face! :)

Day 9...

~~~A picture that you've taken of yourself~~~

A picture Ive taken of myself that i like would have to be this one...I think that i like this picture so much because i feel pretty right here && i actually look good. Since loosing both of my babies i tend to not feel pretty at all, but in this pictures i really feel pretty.

So this is my picture that i took of myself that i like and why! :)

Day 8...

~~A picture that makes you angry/sad~~

First off i want to say that I'm sorry this post is late but due to being super sick last night i wasn't able to write my blog. I will write day 8 && 9 today though :)

Okay i am gonna put two pictures on here kinda to show you what I'm talking about then i will explain everything...here are the pictures!!!

Okay so as you can tell these are pictures of myself...the first one is when i was pregnant as you can tell by my tummy i was starting to show. And i don't look all that pretty right there because it was a rough morning sickness day for me && the fact that we were fishing the smell made me feel really sick, but because it is something i enjoy doing && i was with awesome friends i sucked it up && went fishing. The first picture my boobs hurt, they were huge && a pain, my tummy was rock hard, i felt so fat and ugly...But now i look at this picture and would give anything in this world to have all those feelings back. This pictures is my sad picture, but is many ways it is my angry picture to. It makes me sad because i know that i was pregnant here but my body decided i wasn't ready to have a baby i guess.

This second picture is me about 3 weeks after finding out that i was no longer pregnant...It makes me sooooo angry because anyone who can see can tell the difference in my tummy. I don't want to look thin, pretty, or even happy. But due to the situation that this picture was taken for i had to pretend i was happy with myself, my body, && life in general. I wasn't && there's still days that I'm not...I WANTED TO BE A MOMMY!!!!!!! But NOOOO there was other plans in store for me so now i will FOREVER have a HUGE hole in my heart where i should have a ton of love for a little tiny person that i carried for 9 months, that was healthy, happy, && the most amazing thing in my life.

I know that whether my babies are in heaven or here in my arms with me right now i AM && always will be a mommy, but i would soooo much rather my babies be here in my arms && with me then in heaven safe in God's arms. Because when you want something so bad && then it is taken away from you just as quickly as it was given to you, you doubt yourself, your body, && sooo many other things. Honestly there are even still days that i think && ask myself what i did wrong, why did i loose my baby, why did God decide it was my time then it wasn't && took my wonderful gift away...those are just a few things that run through my mind pretty much on a daily bases. I know that if i don't just except the fact that everything happens for a reason i will make myself sick, depressed && just all around an angry person. Which anyone who knows me knows I'm not an angry person but i just have so many questions i wish could be bluntly answered so that i knew all the answers i want to know.

But with all of this being said and explained i think that i shall call it good on this post due to the fact that i am unable to see the keyboard through all these tears running down my face. I never imagined that this post would be SOOOOO hard on me but the minute i started writing it && saw the pictures i knew it was gonna make for a rough post. Thank you for listening && letting me get these feelings && emotions out in the open...They are things that i haven't really ever admitted to too many people before now.

Day 7...

~~A Picture That Makes You Happy~~

A picture that makes me happy that i can think of right off the top of my head right now would be any of the pictures of my little sister. These pictures make me so happy because there will never be any pictures to be taken of her anymore. Due to her becoming an Angel way to soon at the age of 10 years old.
Any pictures that i can think of or look at of Lizzy she has the biggest smile on her face and those HUGE baby blue eyes just stand out to show the world how beautiful they are. Lizzy is one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving human beings i have ever meet or known in my entire life. She never knew a stranger every one was her friend && she would always make sure that she let everyone know that. One of the funny things about her not knowing a stranger made her run into one of my Dad's aunt's that none of us girls had ever meet before && that my dad hadn't seen or talked to in about 12 years or more. She just walked up the an older lady she saw at the team penning we were at watching my dad pen, and started talking to her then found out who she was brought her over to my mom && said "Mommy, look i found Daddy's aunt && she's my new friend!" My mom couldn't even be made at her for talking to a stranger because in reality she wasn't a stranger she was actually family. So, because of everyone being my wonderful baby sister's friends i was able to meet my Great Aunt once. :) Just thinking about that memory while sharing it with everyone brings a smile to my face, but at the same time makes me tear up a little because i miss Lizzy so much every single day. She is && was always an Angel!!
So, i guess the main reason why any pictures of Lizzy are my favorites are because i can honestly and truthfully say that i have pictures of an Angel. Because she now soars in the sky with God && so many other loved ones. Who i am sure she has became friends with all of them. I also hope && pray daily that my babies along with everyone Else's babies are safely in the arms of Lizzy or your loved ones in Heaven just patiently waiting for the day we all meet again.
I know that main of us are struggling right now with our losses because of what October 15Th is, but just remember it wasn't goodbye when we got our horrible news it was until we meet again. And any of us who have pictures of loved ones we've lost whether is be an ultrasounds, tummy pics, professional pictures, random goofy pictures or even just a picture in our memory we can say that we have a picture or pictures of an Angel/Angels. :)

Day 6...

~~~Twenty things that calm you~~~

*Writing
*Writing poems
*Rainy days/nights
*Having my back rubbing
*CLEANING
*Music
*Singing
*Crying in the shower
*Riding horses
*Talking on the phone && venting
*Spending time with little kids/babies
*Coloring
*Scrapbooking
*Sitting out by a river or stream listening to the water
*Watching movies
*Curling up in bed in a dark room thinking things through
*Sitting in the sand on the beach
*Doing my hair && make up
*Getting my nails done
*Gettin a pedi or just having my feet rubbed


Those are the twenty things that came to mind that have && do calm me when im either having a bad day or when im upset. As you can tell i am an easy person to please so it doesnt take much to make me happy or calm me down...With that being said I am going to end this blog a little shorter then normal, but with everything answered && wrote like it needs to be! :)

Day 5...

~~~Your Favorite Quote && Why~~~

The quote that i have choose to write about is special to me not only because of what the quote says, but also because of who i am quoting by using this quote. With that being said i will post the quote and then explain why it is one of my favorite quotes && one that i hold very dear to me.

"Because not a single moment of any day of any week of any month of any year passes when we don't walk for them and with them...always loved...always MISSed." -JoAnne Cacciatore


This is the quote that i have picked to write about...I have picked this quote because Mrs. Cacciatore is a very powerful woman that i look up to very much, but also because this quote just fit the way i have been feeling for the last couple of days. Also, since today is National Pregnancy && Infant Loss Remembrance Day this quote just seems to fit so well. Because there isn't one day, week, month, or even year/years to come that I'm not walking for my babies or with them. I walk every single day for them as well as myself and the other people i love and have lost.

No matter who you have lost whether it be babies, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents you are forever walking for them && with them because they are here with us every single day. But they are also forever MISSed by all of us as well. With all of that being said i think that i am going to end this post by saying mine && many others babies are forever MISSed but NEVER forgotten.

Day 4...

~~Your Favorite Book~~





My favorite book is a toss up between Dear John && My Sister's Keeper. They are both very moving books...wait who am i kidding both of these books made me bawl my eyes out from like the third chapter all the way til the last one. I think that Dear John touched me so much because i have always jokingly said that I'm gonna married someone in the military. There's just something about a man in uniform. But then i know so many of my friends are in relationships with military men && i know that it's a very rough and hard life to live. So, this book was awesome and kept me interested until the very end although i feel that it ended to soon and not at a good place i still enjoyed reading it and crying throughout the entire thing.





My sister's keeper is a book that hits close to home with me due to the fact that i lost my little sister in a car accident. I mean that isn't how it happened to the girl in the book but yea it still has a lot of personal meaning to me. But, that was also was just a book that pulled me in and wouldn't let me put it down until i was totally done reading it. I cried from the third chapter all the way to the end on this book as well.

Day3...

~~A television show that either helped you get through hard times or that has moved you~~


This is a tough one...and even though i have been thinking of it since yesterday when i was supsta post it i am still having a hard time figuring out a show that has helped me through hard times or has moved me. So, with that being said sorry that this blog is late and please don't hold it against me if it isn't the best blog i have posted in a while. :)

One of the shows that pops into my head and really stands out is Ghost Whisper because there are many times that people don't get the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. Not to mention in a situation like mine && many others you don't get to choose if you want to say goodbye or even that it is time to say hello && goodbye all in the same day let alone time. But on Ghost Whisper many people get the chance to tell their loved ones all the things that they didn't get to tell them before...because Jennifer Love Hewitt helps bring them together so they can say their finally words before crossing over into the "light" that God is showing them.

I personally wish that i could do that not only with my babies but with other loved ones that i never got the chance to say "goodbye or until we meet again" to! It would be so awesome to have the chance to hold my babies tell them that i love them && that mommy will be there one day, but until then to stay with Aunt Lizzy and all the other family members that are in heaven taking care of them for me. I know that my babies && all my family are safe in God's house, but their are still days that i think "what if," "where would i be if," "do you think i would be okay if," && many things like that. But everything happens for a reason whether we understand the reasons or not God has a reason for doing everything he is && has done in ALL of your lives! :)

Day 2...

~~Your Favorite Movie~~

My favorite movie would have to be....8 Seconds && Juno. Yes, that is quite a difference in types of movies but i cant pick which one i love more.

8 Seconds has a lot of family value and meaning to me. I was born and raised the western/cowboy way so any videos that have to do with western living a tend to love. But the fact that 8 Seconds is a movie based on a true story makes it mean that much more to me because i can relate to something like that happening to either one of my family members or even my future husband. 8 Seconds is a movie about bull riding...Pretty much in a short version the world champion bull rider was riding && then he gets killed by the bull.

Something like that could happen to make guys that i love. Because most of the guys i hang out with are cowboys and that is the type that i tend to be super attracted to so there is a great chance that something bad like that could even happen to my future husband. Which makes that movie touch my heart and mean so much to me for all my own personal reasons.

And then Juno is my favorite movie for many different reasons such as the fact that even though she was young and didn't know what she was going to be about being pregnant she didn't make the selfish or selfless decision of getting an abortion. Yes, Juno could've dropped out of school became a teen mom but she realized that she wouldn't be able to give her child the life that it deserved so she made the adult decision at 16 to give her baby up for adoption to a couple who was unable to have children of their own. I couldn't imagine the pain that comes along with that, but i can speak from my own experience that when your baby is no longer a part of your body you feel a void. Which I'm sure Juno did feel that horrible void as well but she also knew that she could always go and see her baby because she did an open adoption so her and Bleeker were able to watch their child grow.


Where i personally and many other woman will never be able to have that chance because our babies were taken from our bodies with out our want or permission. Some of us may never know why that happened but we all have to have faith and remember that God does have a plan for us and if you listen to him along with talking to him he will give you the answers that you need to get through this. Because i know when the time is right God is going to give me the wonderful gift of healthy precious little babies, and a man of my dreams that i thought i could only dream about. God does have a plan for all of us...we never know what the plan may be but just remember God will make sure that we are happy and we get everything that he has promised us to have.(Something that a very special woman once told me and i am starting to believe that she knows exactly what she is talking about!) :)

Day 1...

~~~Song that reminds you of your child, or that you cant listen to anymore and why~~~

Okay, this song serves as both for my child and that i cant listen to anymore for other reasons that i will explain in full depth why and what made me decide to write about this song.

The song is Calling All Angels by Train. I cant listen to this song anymore because it is one of the songs that people have played for my baby sister that was killed in a car accident almost 8 years ago. I think that the main reason why people say that this song reminds them of Lizzy is because God was calling all Angels and she was one of them that he wanted up there with him. I know that everyone says everything happens for a reason and there are days that i believe that is true, but there are also days that i feel like that is a easy cop out so people either don't have to listen to you talk about your problems/experiences that you have went through or dealt with.


This song also reminds me of my two babies that i have lost because they are now all Angels up in heaven with God and their Aunt Lizzy. But then it also says in the song "i wont give up so you don't give up" and "Give me a sign so that i know you're here." Those are two major parts of the song that stand out to me because God, Lizzy, && my babies aren't giving up on me so i cant give up on them by not going on with life and having faith that when the time is right God will give me the gift of wonderful healthy little babies in my life. The other quote stands out to me because i feel that i see signs every single day whether it be a song coming on the radio when I'm thinking about Lizzy or my babies, or it be little things that people do or say to me. God is always giving me signs that Lizzy && the babies are safe in heaven with him.

Yes, it kills me and i have a HUGE hole in my heart from the great deal of loss i have endured in my short 21 years of life. I know that those holes will never be filled by something else because my sister and my babies aren't something that can or will ever replace. But in time i believe that my heart will start to heal to where it isn't so painful for me on a daily bases.


Even though this is a huge struggle that i have been through i believe that i live my life to the fullest and make Lizzy && the babies proud of me. But there will always be a constant reminder of the pain i have over come.

Starting A 30 Day Writing Challenge...

Okay i was asked if i was interested in writing in a 30 day writing challenge...So i want to let you guys know what all it consist of so then you will know how to follow along with everything i am doing.

Day 1-A song that reminds you of your child or that you cant listen to anymore and why.

Day 2-Favorite movie

Day 3-A televesion show that either helped you get through your hard time or has moved you.

Day 4-Your favorite book

Day 5-Your favorite quote

Day 6-Twenty things that calm you

Day 7-A photo that makes you happy

Day 8-A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9- A photo that you took of yourself

Day 10-A photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Day 11-A photo that someone else took of you

Day 12-Something that you OCD about

Day 13-A vice(coffee, soda, candy, anything that you have to have to get through the day)

Day 14-The longest relationship you have had(friend or SO) non family relatied.

Day 15-What you like about your house

Day 16-A song that makes you cry(or nearly)

Day 17-An art piece(drawing, sculpture, painting, etc.) that moves you

Day 18-My wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19-A talent that yours

Day 20-A hobby of yours

Day 21-A receipe

Day 22-A wibsite that you visit daily

Day 23-A youtube video that makes you laugh

Day 24-Where you live

Day 25-Your day, in great detail

Day 26-Your week, in great detail

Day 27-Your worst habit

Day 28-What is in your purse/handbag

Day 29-An actual dream have had while sleeping

Day 30-A dream for the future.

These are the topics that are to be used for the next 30 days in this writing challenge. What you do is use what the day says and write about it in full detail until you are at day 30 then the challenge is over. Lets see how many of us can actually start and finish this challenge.

Tears Running Down My Face...

Okay so there are a lot of things that i am going to put out on the table right now in this blog and i would like to say first that I'm not writing this to offend anyone or upset anyone so i hope that isn't what happens. There is just a lot that i need to get off my chest to hopefully make me feel better and not like all i want to do is cry. With all of that said i think that I'm going to finally start my blog now...


You know the past is the past and no matter how bad things were between Justin and i like a week ago. The fact of him leaving Monday morning and moving back to Colorado is totally killing me. I kinda feel like every time i get close with someone, someone means a lot to me, or whenever i love someone more then anything they leave me. Yes, i know that isn't the case but that is how i feel a lot of times. And it just sucks i know he is going back home to better himself && save money because he got an awesome job offer, but i wanna be selfish and tell him no you cant leave you gotta stay here and find an awesome job offer here so you aren't a million miles away lol. No, i don't want to tell him that because my feelings towards him are still how they use to be at all...I just want to tell him that because i hate the emptiness that i know I'm going to feel when he leaves. I mean we're gonna go from hanging out every day or every other day to not seeing him for a minimum of 6 months to a year. That's a long time. With all of that being said i want to say i am happy for Justin and i think that he made the right decision to take this job offer and go back home because withe the economy the way it is right now there is no way he would be able to do everything that he wants/needs to do off the money he was making here right now. So, I'm proud of you Justin you made the big boy decision and i know it sucks right now but in the end you will be sooo happy that you made this decision and you bettered yourself because of it. :)


You know i never thought that i would openly admit this but i am so jealous of all these woman who are pregnant, just had a baby, and have never had the heartache of loosing a baby. I mean don't get me wrong i would NEVER wish that type of pain or heartache on anyone not even my worst enemy, but it really makes me wonder why God decided it wasn't my turn to be a mommy and prove to him that i would make him proud. I know that he has a wonderful plan in store for me and he is just preparing me for all the awesomeness he is going to hand me throughout my life, but sometimes i ask myself how much more does he think i can handle, haven't i been through enough hurt heartache and pain yet?


There is a lot of heartache and pain that many people have no idea that i even have/had/or that i am having right now because i don't like talking about that stuff. It's easier to paint that smile on pretend that you're happy && then when you're all alone and no one else can hear you, you let your tears stream down your face while you ask why, what did i do to deserve this, will i ever be happy, am i a bad person, do you not think that i will make you proud, am i just a failure, and many other things of that sort. I mean i have an amazing family && awesome friends who tell me that, that all those questions will be answered, that I'm a great person, I'm gonna make a wonderful mommy, some man is going to be the luckiest man alive to say i am his girl. But i sometimes feel like they're just saying that to make me feel better so that I'm not sad or down on myself anymore. But the truth is i need to and i am trying to work on loving myself because i know that i don't love myself the way i should which means that if i cant do it myself what makes me think that anyone else could or would want to love me as well. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "Sam you are beautiful." "Sam i love you!" things like that but i can...when i look in the mirror and see my reflection staring back at me all i do is point out everything i hate about myself and all my flaws i wish i could magaically fix. I dont want to do that anymore so i am working on changing that slowly but i am working on it. :)


I also just recently just learned a very hard lesson, but that is what life is all about is learning lessons and bettering yourself from them. Two weeks without taking to someone you normally talk to every day, you tell them everything that is going on when you dont want to tell anyone else, and you love them like they are family is a very tough thing to do. I will never get involved in a prank that i have a guilty feeling about ever again. I would like to publicly say I am sorry Rory for being involved, not telling you what was going on, and most importantly for hurting you. Last night when he was here and went to leave and he hugged me said "Just so you know Sam we're good i love you bff's always" all i could do was cry when he walked out the door. I thought that i had totally ruined and messed up one of the best friendships i have, but i didnt and im so happy that i didnt because eleven years is a long time but i want it to keep going eleven more years...well actually until we take our last breathes!! He is my male bff and an awesome one at that.


And last but sure the heck not least....I had the most amazing day with my parents a week ago. I know that i miss them more then anyone really knows or realizes, but the situation is better for all of us the way it is now. I would much rather have an amazing friendship/relationship with both my parents then us to live together and not get along a majority of the time. My family means the world to me and i cant even express how thankful and happy i am that they have done all the things that have for me throughout my life. If it wasnt for my parents and my family i dont know where i would be today. I know that i have made decisions and done things that they havent agreed with nor did they like them but i have to make mistakes in order to learn and better myself right? Honestly my mistakes havent been that bad which i am very thankful for but i know there is still so much stuff i need to learn and i slowly but surely am learning that with every decision you make there's something that comes along with it whether it be bad or good.


But with all of that being said i think that i am finally done with this blog for today. I hope that i didnt offend or upset anyone with anything i said, but these are my feelings and are exactly the things i am thinking and feeling right at this moment and time. :)

Letting it all out....

As i am sitting here at 1 o'clock in the morning there are a million and fifty things running through my head that i don't know what to think or do with. So, i have decided that I'm gonna write everything out, let it be known exactly how i am feeling, where i am coming from, && even how i just don't understand some things that are going on in my life.

I wanna start by saying I'm angry, confused, hurt, sad, feeling betrayed, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and all around just pissed off! The major questions that i want answers to is...Why? What didn't i do that she does? What did i need to change? Who did i need to be to be good enough to be yours? Why why why??? That is what is running through my head nonstop and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around the answers so please help me understand. I know that you will never read this or even be able to enough of a "man" to give me the answers to these questions but i just think i will feel a little better by letting this all out.

You know guys use the sayings "bro code" and "bros before hoes" but how come it seems like most girls cant live by the "chicks before dicks" motto? Is it really that hard to tell a guy no, or that you couldn't ever do that to your friend? I mean i would never && i mean NEVER go after a guy my friend had been with, liked, loved, or even just thought was her type. It might be because i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you call your friend, but i think it is also because i know the hurt && heartache that comes with doing that.

How can you paint that smile on your face and lie to yourself by saying that you're okay with a situation that you are not anywhere near close to being okay with?? That's what i was asked the other day...well let me explain to you my answer to that question! I can paint that smile on my face because all I've ever known for the last 8 years is heartache, hurt, anger, and being let down. So, after feeling that and only knowing that for that long you learn to not let people know when you're hurting or upset. As far as lying to myself and pretending that I'm okay with something that I'm obviously not...that comes with having so self esteem, self confidence, or self worth therefore you just think about everyone else and their happiness then if there's enough time left over you worry about if you're truly happy in life or not. I am always thinking/worrying about everyone else and what will make them happy instead of thinking about what will make me happy or what i need to be me or a better me. Giving is what i do...I'm not a selfish person therefore i cant take someone else's happiness away just so that I'm happy myself. It isn't right nor should it be that way. So instead i sit back get walked on, used, and pretend to be happy!

I wonder if it would be wrong of me to hate him, but i don't think it would. After everything i did for him, talking for 7 months believing that i was getting somewhere with him, and to top it all off being there for him when no one else was or wanted to be there for him. I feel like he got everything he needed without making me his girl so why would he have decided that i was a girl he could see himself with when i just did everything a girlfriend would do without the title. You know i never went as low as having sex with him so all of his needs were never met because i respect myself more then to just be the "booty call" or "f*ck buddy" when he didn't have anyone else to help him or didn't want to help himself. But my heart got involved and now i see that it shouldn't have, but how was i sups ta know that his feelings we rent the same. He told me everything to believe that they were...even made time for just us to hang out together without other people around. Yet i wasn't enough was i? No i wasn't i was never who he wanted to be with he just bullshitted his way into my heart so he could have someone do everything i did for him.

With all of that said i wanna say that i know God has a plan and is trying to teach me something with this whole situation, but i just dont understand what the lesson is or what his plan is that he has for me. Yet, soon enough i will see what he is trying to show me because i am learning to listen more and talk less. Letting my feelings and emotions out is a very hard thing for me to do but i feel that writing all this down is helping me express what i am feeling and thinking right now. So, i will continue to pray for my mr. right and keep living my life and bettering myself so then when God feels i am ready my prince will find me and make me the happiest woman alive.

Thank you for listening to me rant and rave! I can honestly say that i feel better without even totally bad mouthing or bashing the people i though i was going to in this blog. :)