~~Your Favorite Movie~~
My favorite movie would have to be....8 Seconds && Juno. Yes, that is quite a difference in types of movies but i cant pick which one i love more.
8 Seconds has a lot of family value and meaning to me. I was born and raised the western/cowboy way so any videos that have to do with western living a tend to love. But the fact that 8 Seconds is a movie based on a true story makes it mean that much more to me because i can relate to something like that happening to either one of my family members or even my future husband. 8 Seconds is a movie about bull riding...Pretty much in a short version the world champion bull rider was riding && then he gets killed by the bull.
Something like that could happen to make guys that i love. Because most of the guys i hang out with are cowboys and that is the type that i tend to be super attracted to so there is a great chance that something bad like that could even happen to my future husband. Which makes that movie touch my heart and mean so much to me for all my own personal reasons.
And then Juno is my favorite movie for many different reasons such as the fact that even though she was young and didn't know what she was going to be about being pregnant she didn't make the selfish or selfless decision of getting an abortion. Yes, Juno could've dropped out of school became a teen mom but she realized that she wouldn't be able to give her child the life that it deserved so she made the adult decision at 16 to give her baby up for adoption to a couple who was unable to have children of their own. I couldn't imagine the pain that comes along with that, but i can speak from my own experience that when your baby is no longer a part of your body you feel a void. Which I'm sure Juno did feel that horrible void as well but she also knew that she could always go and see her baby because she did an open adoption so her and Bleeker were able to watch their child grow.
Where i personally and many other woman will never be able to have that chance because our babies were taken from our bodies with out our want or permission. Some of us may never know why that happened but we all have to have faith and remember that God does have a plan for us and if you listen to him along with talking to him he will give you the answers that you need to get through this. Because i know when the time is right God is going to give me the wonderful gift of healthy precious little babies, and a man of my dreams that i thought i could only dream about. God does have a plan for all of us...we never know what the plan may be but just remember God will make sure that we are happy and we get everything that he has promised us to have.(Something that a very special woman once told me and i am starting to believe that she knows exactly what she is talking about!) :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day 1...
~~~Song that reminds you of your child, or that you cant listen to anymore and why~~~
Okay, this song serves as both for my child and that i cant listen to anymore for other reasons that i will explain in full depth why and what made me decide to write about this song.
The song is Calling All Angels by Train. I cant listen to this song anymore because it is one of the songs that people have played for my baby sister that was killed in a car accident almost 8 years ago. I think that the main reason why people say that this song reminds them of Lizzy is because God was calling all Angels and she was one of them that he wanted up there with him. I know that everyone says everything happens for a reason and there are days that i believe that is true, but there are also days that i feel like that is a easy cop out so people either don't have to listen to you talk about your problems/experiences that you have went through or dealt with.
This song also reminds me of my two babies that i have lost because they are now all Angels up in heaven with God and their Aunt Lizzy. But then it also says in the song "i wont give up so you don't give up" and "Give me a sign so that i know you're here." Those are two major parts of the song that stand out to me because God, Lizzy, && my babies aren't giving up on me so i cant give up on them by not going on with life and having faith that when the time is right God will give me the gift of wonderful healthy little babies in my life. The other quote stands out to me because i feel that i see signs every single day whether it be a song coming on the radio when I'm thinking about Lizzy or my babies, or it be little things that people do or say to me. God is always giving me signs that Lizzy && the babies are safe in heaven with him.
Yes, it kills me and i have a HUGE hole in my heart from the great deal of loss i have endured in my short 21 years of life. I know that those holes will never be filled by something else because my sister and my babies aren't something that can or will ever replace. But in time i believe that my heart will start to heal to where it isn't so painful for me on a daily bases.
Even though this is a huge struggle that i have been through i believe that i live my life to the fullest and make Lizzy && the babies proud of me. But there will always be a constant reminder of the pain i have over come.
Okay, this song serves as both for my child and that i cant listen to anymore for other reasons that i will explain in full depth why and what made me decide to write about this song.
The song is Calling All Angels by Train. I cant listen to this song anymore because it is one of the songs that people have played for my baby sister that was killed in a car accident almost 8 years ago. I think that the main reason why people say that this song reminds them of Lizzy is because God was calling all Angels and she was one of them that he wanted up there with him. I know that everyone says everything happens for a reason and there are days that i believe that is true, but there are also days that i feel like that is a easy cop out so people either don't have to listen to you talk about your problems/experiences that you have went through or dealt with.
This song also reminds me of my two babies that i have lost because they are now all Angels up in heaven with God and their Aunt Lizzy. But then it also says in the song "i wont give up so you don't give up" and "Give me a sign so that i know you're here." Those are two major parts of the song that stand out to me because God, Lizzy, && my babies aren't giving up on me so i cant give up on them by not going on with life and having faith that when the time is right God will give me the gift of wonderful healthy little babies in my life. The other quote stands out to me because i feel that i see signs every single day whether it be a song coming on the radio when I'm thinking about Lizzy or my babies, or it be little things that people do or say to me. God is always giving me signs that Lizzy && the babies are safe in heaven with him.
Yes, it kills me and i have a HUGE hole in my heart from the great deal of loss i have endured in my short 21 years of life. I know that those holes will never be filled by something else because my sister and my babies aren't something that can or will ever replace. But in time i believe that my heart will start to heal to where it isn't so painful for me on a daily bases.
Even though this is a huge struggle that i have been through i believe that i live my life to the fullest and make Lizzy && the babies proud of me. But there will always be a constant reminder of the pain i have over come.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Starting A 30 Day Writing Challenge...
Okay i was asked if i was interested in writing in a 30 day writing challenge...So i want to let you guys know what all it consist of so then you will know how to follow along with everything i am doing.
Day 1-A song that reminds you of your child or that you cant listen to anymore and why.
Day 2-Favorite movie
Day 3-A televesion show that either helped you get through your hard time or has moved you.
Day 4-Your favorite book
Day 5-Your favorite quote
Day 6-Twenty things that calm you
Day 7-A photo that makes you happy
Day 8-A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9- A photo that you took of yourself
Day 10-A photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11-A photo that someone else took of you
Day 12-Something that you OCD about
Day 13-A vice(coffee, soda, candy, anything that you have to have to get through the day)
Day 14-The longest relationship you have had(friend or SO) non family relatied.
Day 15-What you like about your house
Day 16-A song that makes you cry(or nearly)
Day 17-An art piece(drawing, sculpture, painting, etc.) that moves you
Day 18-My wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19-A talent that yours
Day 20-A hobby of yours
Day 21-A receipe
Day 22-A wibsite that you visit daily
Day 23-A youtube video that makes you laugh
Day 24-Where you live
Day 25-Your day, in great detail
Day 26-Your week, in great detail
Day 27-Your worst habit
Day 28-What is in your purse/handbag
Day 29-An actual dream have had while sleeping
Day 30-A dream for the future.
These are the topics that are to be used for the next 30 days in this writing challenge. What you do is use what the day says and write about it in full detail until you are at day 30 then the challenge is over. Lets see how many of us can actually start and finish this challenge.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tears Running Down My Face...
Okay so there are a lot of things that i am going to put out on the table right now in this blog and i would like to say first that I'm not writing this to offend anyone or upset anyone so i hope that isn't what happens. There is just a lot that i need to get off my chest to hopefully make me feel better and not like all i want to do is cry. With all of that said i think that I'm going to finally start my blog now...
You know the past is the past and no matter how bad things were between Justin and i like a week ago. The fact of him leaving Monday morning and moving back to Colorado is totally killing me. I kinda feel like every time i get close with someone, someone means a lot to me, or whenever i love someone more then anything they leave me. Yes, i know that isn't the case but that is how i feel a lot of times. And it just sucks i know he is going back home to better himself && save money because he got an awesome job offer, but i wanna be selfish and tell him no you cant leave you gotta stay here and find an awesome job offer here so you aren't a million miles away lol. No, i don't want to tell him that because my feelings towards him are still how they use to be at all...I just want to tell him that because i hate the emptiness that i know I'm going to feel when he leaves. I mean we're gonna go from hanging out every day or every other day to not seeing him for a minimum of 6 months to a year. That's a long time. With all of that being said i want to say i am happy for Justin and i think that he made the right decision to take this job offer and go back home because withe the economy the way it is right now there is no way he would be able to do everything that he wants/needs to do off the money he was making here right now. So, I'm proud of you Justin you made the big boy decision and i know it sucks right now but in the end you will be sooo happy that you made this decision and you bettered yourself because of it. :)
You know i never thought that i would openly admit this but i am so jealous of all these woman who are pregnant, just had a baby, and have never had the heartache of loosing a baby. I mean don't get me wrong i would NEVER wish that type of pain or heartache on anyone not even my worst enemy, but it really makes me wonder why God decided it wasn't my turn to be a mommy and prove to him that i would make him proud. I know that he has a wonderful plan in store for me and he is just preparing me for all the awesomeness he is going to hand me throughout my life, but sometimes i ask myself how much more does he think i can handle, haven't i been through enough hurt heartache and pain yet?
There is a lot of heartache and pain that many people have no idea that i even have/had/or that i am having right now because i don't like talking about that stuff. It's easier to paint that smile on pretend that you're happy && then when you're all alone and no one else can hear you, you let your tears stream down your face while you ask why, what did i do to deserve this, will i ever be happy, am i a bad person, do you not think that i will make you proud, am i just a failure, and many other things of that sort. I mean i have an amazing family && awesome friends who tell me that, that all those questions will be answered, that I'm a great person, I'm gonna make a wonderful mommy, some man is going to be the luckiest man alive to say i am his girl. But i sometimes feel like they're just saying that to make me feel better so that I'm not sad or down on myself anymore. But the truth is i need to and i am trying to work on loving myself because i know that i don't love myself the way i should which means that if i cant do it myself what makes me think that anyone else could or would want to love me as well. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "Sam you are beautiful." "Sam i love you!" things like that but i can...when i look in the mirror and see my reflection staring back at me all i do is point out everything i hate about myself and all my flaws i wish i could magaically fix. I dont want to do that anymore so i am working on changing that slowly but i am working on it. :)
I also just recently just learned a very hard lesson, but that is what life is all about is learning lessons and bettering yourself from them. Two weeks without taking to someone you normally talk to every day, you tell them everything that is going on when you dont want to tell anyone else, and you love them like they are family is a very tough thing to do. I will never get involved in a prank that i have a guilty feeling about ever again. I would like to publicly say I am sorry Rory for being involved, not telling you what was going on, and most importantly for hurting you. Last night when he was here and went to leave and he hugged me said "Just so you know Sam we're good i love you bff's always" all i could do was cry when he walked out the door. I thought that i had totally ruined and messed up one of the best friendships i have, but i didnt and im so happy that i didnt because eleven years is a long time but i want it to keep going eleven more years...well actually until we take our last breathes!! He is my male bff and an awesome one at that.
And last but sure the heck not least....I had the most amazing day with my parents a week ago. I know that i miss them more then anyone really knows or realizes, but the situation is better for all of us the way it is now. I would much rather have an amazing friendship/relationship with both my parents then us to live together and not get along a majority of the time. My family means the world to me and i cant even express how thankful and happy i am that they have done all the things that have for me throughout my life. If it wasnt for my parents and my family i dont know where i would be today. I know that i have made decisions and done things that they havent agreed with nor did they like them but i have to make mistakes in order to learn and better myself right? Honestly my mistakes havent been that bad which i am very thankful for but i know there is still so much stuff i need to learn and i slowly but surely am learning that with every decision you make there's something that comes along with it whether it be bad or good.
But with all of that being said i think that i am finally done with this blog for today. I hope that i didnt offend or upset anyone with anything i said, but these are my feelings and are exactly the things i am thinking and feeling right at this moment and time. :)
You know the past is the past and no matter how bad things were between Justin and i like a week ago. The fact of him leaving Monday morning and moving back to Colorado is totally killing me. I kinda feel like every time i get close with someone, someone means a lot to me, or whenever i love someone more then anything they leave me. Yes, i know that isn't the case but that is how i feel a lot of times. And it just sucks i know he is going back home to better himself && save money because he got an awesome job offer, but i wanna be selfish and tell him no you cant leave you gotta stay here and find an awesome job offer here so you aren't a million miles away lol. No, i don't want to tell him that because my feelings towards him are still how they use to be at all...I just want to tell him that because i hate the emptiness that i know I'm going to feel when he leaves. I mean we're gonna go from hanging out every day or every other day to not seeing him for a minimum of 6 months to a year. That's a long time. With all of that being said i want to say i am happy for Justin and i think that he made the right decision to take this job offer and go back home because withe the economy the way it is right now there is no way he would be able to do everything that he wants/needs to do off the money he was making here right now. So, I'm proud of you Justin you made the big boy decision and i know it sucks right now but in the end you will be sooo happy that you made this decision and you bettered yourself because of it. :)
You know i never thought that i would openly admit this but i am so jealous of all these woman who are pregnant, just had a baby, and have never had the heartache of loosing a baby. I mean don't get me wrong i would NEVER wish that type of pain or heartache on anyone not even my worst enemy, but it really makes me wonder why God decided it wasn't my turn to be a mommy and prove to him that i would make him proud. I know that he has a wonderful plan in store for me and he is just preparing me for all the awesomeness he is going to hand me throughout my life, but sometimes i ask myself how much more does he think i can handle, haven't i been through enough hurt heartache and pain yet?
There is a lot of heartache and pain that many people have no idea that i even have/had/or that i am having right now because i don't like talking about that stuff. It's easier to paint that smile on pretend that you're happy && then when you're all alone and no one else can hear you, you let your tears stream down your face while you ask why, what did i do to deserve this, will i ever be happy, am i a bad person, do you not think that i will make you proud, am i just a failure, and many other things of that sort. I mean i have an amazing family && awesome friends who tell me that, that all those questions will be answered, that I'm a great person, I'm gonna make a wonderful mommy, some man is going to be the luckiest man alive to say i am his girl. But i sometimes feel like they're just saying that to make me feel better so that I'm not sad or down on myself anymore. But the truth is i need to and i am trying to work on loving myself because i know that i don't love myself the way i should which means that if i cant do it myself what makes me think that anyone else could or would want to love me as well. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "Sam you are beautiful." "Sam i love you!" things like that but i can...when i look in the mirror and see my reflection staring back at me all i do is point out everything i hate about myself and all my flaws i wish i could magaically fix. I dont want to do that anymore so i am working on changing that slowly but i am working on it. :)
I also just recently just learned a very hard lesson, but that is what life is all about is learning lessons and bettering yourself from them. Two weeks without taking to someone you normally talk to every day, you tell them everything that is going on when you dont want to tell anyone else, and you love them like they are family is a very tough thing to do. I will never get involved in a prank that i have a guilty feeling about ever again. I would like to publicly say I am sorry Rory for being involved, not telling you what was going on, and most importantly for hurting you. Last night when he was here and went to leave and he hugged me said "Just so you know Sam we're good i love you bff's always" all i could do was cry when he walked out the door. I thought that i had totally ruined and messed up one of the best friendships i have, but i didnt and im so happy that i didnt because eleven years is a long time but i want it to keep going eleven more years...well actually until we take our last breathes!! He is my male bff and an awesome one at that.
And last but sure the heck not least....I had the most amazing day with my parents a week ago. I know that i miss them more then anyone really knows or realizes, but the situation is better for all of us the way it is now. I would much rather have an amazing friendship/relationship with both my parents then us to live together and not get along a majority of the time. My family means the world to me and i cant even express how thankful and happy i am that they have done all the things that have for me throughout my life. If it wasnt for my parents and my family i dont know where i would be today. I know that i have made decisions and done things that they havent agreed with nor did they like them but i have to make mistakes in order to learn and better myself right? Honestly my mistakes havent been that bad which i am very thankful for but i know there is still so much stuff i need to learn and i slowly but surely am learning that with every decision you make there's something that comes along with it whether it be bad or good.
But with all of that being said i think that i am finally done with this blog for today. I hope that i didnt offend or upset anyone with anything i said, but these are my feelings and are exactly the things i am thinking and feeling right at this moment and time. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Letting it all out....
As i am sitting here at 1 o'clock in the morning there are a million and fifty things running through my head that i don't know what to think or do with. So, i have decided that I'm gonna write everything out, let it be known exactly how i am feeling, where i am coming from, && even how i just don't understand some things that are going on in my life.
I wanna start by saying I'm angry, confused, hurt, sad, feeling betrayed, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and all around just pissed off! The major questions that i want answers to is...Why? What didn't i do that she does? What did i need to change? Who did i need to be to be good enough to be yours? Why why why??? That is what is running through my head nonstop and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around the answers so please help me understand. I know that you will never read this or even be able to enough of a "man" to give me the answers to these questions but i just think i will feel a little better by letting this all out.
You know guys use the sayings "bro code" and "bros before hoes" but how come it seems like most girls cant live by the "chicks before dicks" motto? Is it really that hard to tell a guy no, or that you couldn't ever do that to your friend? I mean i would never && i mean NEVER go after a guy my friend had been with, liked, loved, or even just thought was her type. It might be because i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you call your friend, but i think it is also because i know the hurt && heartache that comes with doing that.
How can you paint that smile on your face and lie to yourself by saying that you're okay with a situation that you are not anywhere near close to being okay with?? That's what i was asked the other day...well let me explain to you my answer to that question! I can paint that smile on my face because all I've ever known for the last 8 years is heartache, hurt, anger, and being let down. So, after feeling that and only knowing that for that long you learn to not let people know when you're hurting or upset. As far as lying to myself and pretending that I'm okay with something that I'm obviously not...that comes with having so self esteem, self confidence, or self worth therefore you just think about everyone else and their happiness then if there's enough time left over you worry about if you're truly happy in life or not. I am always thinking/worrying about everyone else and what will make them happy instead of thinking about what will make me happy or what i need to be me or a better me. Giving is what i do...I'm not a selfish person therefore i cant take someone else's happiness away just so that I'm happy myself. It isn't right nor should it be that way. So instead i sit back get walked on, used, and pretend to be happy!
I wonder if it would be wrong of me to hate him, but i don't think it would. After everything i did for him, talking for 7 months believing that i was getting somewhere with him, and to top it all off being there for him when no one else was or wanted to be there for him. I feel like he got everything he needed without making me his girl so why would he have decided that i was a girl he could see himself with when i just did everything a girlfriend would do without the title. You know i never went as low as having sex with him so all of his needs were never met because i respect myself more then to just be the "booty call" or "f*ck buddy" when he didn't have anyone else to help him or didn't want to help himself. But my heart got involved and now i see that it shouldn't have, but how was i sups ta know that his feelings we rent the same. He told me everything to believe that they were...even made time for just us to hang out together without other people around. Yet i wasn't enough was i? No i wasn't i was never who he wanted to be with he just bullshitted his way into my heart so he could have someone do everything i did for him.
With all of that said i wanna say that i know God has a plan and is trying to teach me something with this whole situation, but i just dont understand what the lesson is or what his plan is that he has for me. Yet, soon enough i will see what he is trying to show me because i am learning to listen more and talk less. Letting my feelings and emotions out is a very hard thing for me to do but i feel that writing all this down is helping me express what i am feeling and thinking right now. So, i will continue to pray for my mr. right and keep living my life and bettering myself so then when God feels i am ready my prince will find me and make me the happiest woman alive.
Thank you for listening to me rant and rave! I can honestly say that i feel better without even totally bad mouthing or bashing the people i though i was going to in this blog. :)
I wanna start by saying I'm angry, confused, hurt, sad, feeling betrayed, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and all around just pissed off! The major questions that i want answers to is...Why? What didn't i do that she does? What did i need to change? Who did i need to be to be good enough to be yours? Why why why??? That is what is running through my head nonstop and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around the answers so please help me understand. I know that you will never read this or even be able to enough of a "man" to give me the answers to these questions but i just think i will feel a little better by letting this all out.
You know guys use the sayings "bro code" and "bros before hoes" but how come it seems like most girls cant live by the "chicks before dicks" motto? Is it really that hard to tell a guy no, or that you couldn't ever do that to your friend? I mean i would never && i mean NEVER go after a guy my friend had been with, liked, loved, or even just thought was her type. It might be because i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you call your friend, but i think it is also because i know the hurt && heartache that comes with doing that.
How can you paint that smile on your face and lie to yourself by saying that you're okay with a situation that you are not anywhere near close to being okay with?? That's what i was asked the other day...well let me explain to you my answer to that question! I can paint that smile on my face because all I've ever known for the last 8 years is heartache, hurt, anger, and being let down. So, after feeling that and only knowing that for that long you learn to not let people know when you're hurting or upset. As far as lying to myself and pretending that I'm okay with something that I'm obviously not...that comes with having so self esteem, self confidence, or self worth therefore you just think about everyone else and their happiness then if there's enough time left over you worry about if you're truly happy in life or not. I am always thinking/worrying about everyone else and what will make them happy instead of thinking about what will make me happy or what i need to be me or a better me. Giving is what i do...I'm not a selfish person therefore i cant take someone else's happiness away just so that I'm happy myself. It isn't right nor should it be that way. So instead i sit back get walked on, used, and pretend to be happy!
I wonder if it would be wrong of me to hate him, but i don't think it would. After everything i did for him, talking for 7 months believing that i was getting somewhere with him, and to top it all off being there for him when no one else was or wanted to be there for him. I feel like he got everything he needed without making me his girl so why would he have decided that i was a girl he could see himself with when i just did everything a girlfriend would do without the title. You know i never went as low as having sex with him so all of his needs were never met because i respect myself more then to just be the "booty call" or "f*ck buddy" when he didn't have anyone else to help him or didn't want to help himself. But my heart got involved and now i see that it shouldn't have, but how was i sups ta know that his feelings we rent the same. He told me everything to believe that they were...even made time for just us to hang out together without other people around. Yet i wasn't enough was i? No i wasn't i was never who he wanted to be with he just bullshitted his way into my heart so he could have someone do everything i did for him.
With all of that said i wanna say that i know God has a plan and is trying to teach me something with this whole situation, but i just dont understand what the lesson is or what his plan is that he has for me. Yet, soon enough i will see what he is trying to show me because i am learning to listen more and talk less. Letting my feelings and emotions out is a very hard thing for me to do but i feel that writing all this down is helping me express what i am feeling and thinking right now. So, i will continue to pray for my mr. right and keep living my life and bettering myself so then when God feels i am ready my prince will find me and make me the happiest woman alive.
Thank you for listening to me rant and rave! I can honestly say that i feel better without even totally bad mouthing or bashing the people i though i was going to in this blog. :)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Hmmm.....
Last night was one of the worst nights i have had in a long time. Sitting at the computer i found myself unable to stop crying or even put my mind back into a good frame of mind. So i sat here and listened to the two most amazing songs that were wrote in honor of Lizzy...Which i would love to share on here with the rest of you. Please, don't feel as if you have to listen to these songs but in my eyes they are two of the most amazing songs ever wrote. Yes, mainly because of all the personal meaning behind them but also because of the amazing man who wrote them for his very special little princess...Well actually i cant get them to copy onto this page so you can look them up on soundcloud.com harveyjhouse is his name that you are looking for!
My day didn't get any better today...i can honestly say that it got worse then i could've ever imagined it to. But you live and learn and life goes on right? I just never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I knew it would hurt and i would be upset but the situation's different this time, but due to being the peace maker and thinking about everyone else before myself i will be happy for them. As long as my friends and people i care about are happy then i am happy and content with life.
Everyone tells me that i am good enough and that everything happens for a reason(i hate that statement) but i guess in the end everything does really happen for a reason. Im trying to keep my friendship with him but at the same time i kinda wish he would be an asshole instead od still sweet and pretending as if nothing every happened or we didnt talk for 7 months. Making me believe and think that this was slowly turning into something. But i learned today that i was very wrong but all i can say is atleast now i know the truth...
My day didn't get any better today...i can honestly say that it got worse then i could've ever imagined it to. But you live and learn and life goes on right? I just never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I knew it would hurt and i would be upset but the situation's different this time, but due to being the peace maker and thinking about everyone else before myself i will be happy for them. As long as my friends and people i care about are happy then i am happy and content with life.
Everyone tells me that i am good enough and that everything happens for a reason(i hate that statement) but i guess in the end everything does really happen for a reason. Im trying to keep my friendship with him but at the same time i kinda wish he would be an asshole instead od still sweet and pretending as if nothing every happened or we didnt talk for 7 months. Making me believe and think that this was slowly turning into something. But i learned today that i was very wrong but all i can say is atleast now i know the truth...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Not knowing what to think...
You know they say in life you live && you learn. Well i do believe that, but somethings i just don't understand why we have to go through them to learn something.
Someone very special was brought into my life just a short while ago but it was for a reason. Neither one of us have quiet figured out why yet, but i know that there's a reason && it's a good reason. Last night after a heated conversation with my parents && being told that i was going to be kicked out for like the 25Th time in the last month i decided that i need to be an adult. So, the decision that i made was to move out of my parents house. Maybe with this being the decision that i made things will become better between my family && i! I love my family && they mean the world to me, but sometimes i feel as if they don't appreciate me, want me around, nor do they think that I'm worth having around. They will always be a major part of my life but i think right now they want/need a break from me. So, I'm gonna do this on my own for a little bit && then when i get the sign i will talk to them so we can work things out.
There's some things that i took for guaranteed with my parents && i truly am sorry for that. They were just little things but i see now that i stop and think about it why it would upset them && make them think that i was being selfish. For that I'm truly sorry mom && dad. I will prove to you guys that i can make it && I'll be okay...I want nothing more then to make you && everyone else in our family happy. I wont always be a failure in everybody eyes. Watch you will for the second time in my life tell everyone how proud of me you are && that I'm doing something you always knew i could do.
If there's one thing i need and want to say it's that no matter where im at or what i'm doing i will always love my family....I love you mommy && daddy && shanda that'll never change in a million years!!
Someone very special was brought into my life just a short while ago but it was for a reason. Neither one of us have quiet figured out why yet, but i know that there's a reason && it's a good reason. Last night after a heated conversation with my parents && being told that i was going to be kicked out for like the 25Th time in the last month i decided that i need to be an adult. So, the decision that i made was to move out of my parents house. Maybe with this being the decision that i made things will become better between my family && i! I love my family && they mean the world to me, but sometimes i feel as if they don't appreciate me, want me around, nor do they think that I'm worth having around. They will always be a major part of my life but i think right now they want/need a break from me. So, I'm gonna do this on my own for a little bit && then when i get the sign i will talk to them so we can work things out.
There's some things that i took for guaranteed with my parents && i truly am sorry for that. They were just little things but i see now that i stop and think about it why it would upset them && make them think that i was being selfish. For that I'm truly sorry mom && dad. I will prove to you guys that i can make it && I'll be okay...I want nothing more then to make you && everyone else in our family happy. I wont always be a failure in everybody eyes. Watch you will for the second time in my life tell everyone how proud of me you are && that I'm doing something you always knew i could do.
If there's one thing i need and want to say it's that no matter where im at or what i'm doing i will always love my family....I love you mommy && daddy && shanda that'll never change in a million years!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)