As i am sitting here at 1 o'clock in the morning there are a million and fifty things running through my head that i don't know what to think or do with. So, i have decided that I'm gonna write everything out, let it be known exactly how i am feeling, where i am coming from, && even how i just don't understand some things that are going on in my life.
I wanna start by saying I'm angry, confused, hurt, sad, feeling betrayed, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and all around just pissed off! The major questions that i want answers to is...Why? What didn't i do that she does? What did i need to change? Who did i need to be to be good enough to be yours? Why why why??? That is what is running through my head nonstop and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around the answers so please help me understand. I know that you will never read this or even be able to enough of a "man" to give me the answers to these questions but i just think i will feel a little better by letting this all out.
You know guys use the sayings "bro code" and "bros before hoes" but how come it seems like most girls cant live by the "chicks before dicks" motto? Is it really that hard to tell a guy no, or that you couldn't ever do that to your friend? I mean i would never && i mean NEVER go after a guy my friend had been with, liked, loved, or even just thought was her type. It might be because i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you call your friend, but i think it is also because i know the hurt && heartache that comes with doing that.
How can you paint that smile on your face and lie to yourself by saying that you're okay with a situation that you are not anywhere near close to being okay with?? That's what i was asked the other day...well let me explain to you my answer to that question! I can paint that smile on my face because all I've ever known for the last 8 years is heartache, hurt, anger, and being let down. So, after feeling that and only knowing that for that long you learn to not let people know when you're hurting or upset. As far as lying to myself and pretending that I'm okay with something that I'm obviously not...that comes with having so self esteem, self confidence, or self worth therefore you just think about everyone else and their happiness then if there's enough time left over you worry about if you're truly happy in life or not. I am always thinking/worrying about everyone else and what will make them happy instead of thinking about what will make me happy or what i need to be me or a better me. Giving is what i do...I'm not a selfish person therefore i cant take someone else's happiness away just so that I'm happy myself. It isn't right nor should it be that way. So instead i sit back get walked on, used, and pretend to be happy!
I wonder if it would be wrong of me to hate him, but i don't think it would. After everything i did for him, talking for 7 months believing that i was getting somewhere with him, and to top it all off being there for him when no one else was or wanted to be there for him. I feel like he got everything he needed without making me his girl so why would he have decided that i was a girl he could see himself with when i just did everything a girlfriend would do without the title. You know i never went as low as having sex with him so all of his needs were never met because i respect myself more then to just be the "booty call" or "f*ck buddy" when he didn't have anyone else to help him or didn't want to help himself. But my heart got involved and now i see that it shouldn't have, but how was i sups ta know that his feelings we rent the same. He told me everything to believe that they were...even made time for just us to hang out together without other people around. Yet i wasn't enough was i? No i wasn't i was never who he wanted to be with he just bullshitted his way into my heart so he could have someone do everything i did for him.
With all of that said i wanna say that i know God has a plan and is trying to teach me something with this whole situation, but i just dont understand what the lesson is or what his plan is that he has for me. Yet, soon enough i will see what he is trying to show me because i am learning to listen more and talk less. Letting my feelings and emotions out is a very hard thing for me to do but i feel that writing all this down is helping me express what i am feeling and thinking right now. So, i will continue to pray for my mr. right and keep living my life and bettering myself so then when God feels i am ready my prince will find me and make me the happiest woman alive.
Thank you for listening to me rant and rave! I can honestly say that i feel better without even totally bad mouthing or bashing the people i though i was going to in this blog. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Hmmm.....
Last night was one of the worst nights i have had in a long time. Sitting at the computer i found myself unable to stop crying or even put my mind back into a good frame of mind. So i sat here and listened to the two most amazing songs that were wrote in honor of Lizzy...Which i would love to share on here with the rest of you. Please, don't feel as if you have to listen to these songs but in my eyes they are two of the most amazing songs ever wrote. Yes, mainly because of all the personal meaning behind them but also because of the amazing man who wrote them for his very special little princess...Well actually i cant get them to copy onto this page so you can look them up on soundcloud.com harveyjhouse is his name that you are looking for!
My day didn't get any better today...i can honestly say that it got worse then i could've ever imagined it to. But you live and learn and life goes on right? I just never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I knew it would hurt and i would be upset but the situation's different this time, but due to being the peace maker and thinking about everyone else before myself i will be happy for them. As long as my friends and people i care about are happy then i am happy and content with life.
Everyone tells me that i am good enough and that everything happens for a reason(i hate that statement) but i guess in the end everything does really happen for a reason. Im trying to keep my friendship with him but at the same time i kinda wish he would be an asshole instead od still sweet and pretending as if nothing every happened or we didnt talk for 7 months. Making me believe and think that this was slowly turning into something. But i learned today that i was very wrong but all i can say is atleast now i know the truth...
My day didn't get any better today...i can honestly say that it got worse then i could've ever imagined it to. But you live and learn and life goes on right? I just never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I knew it would hurt and i would be upset but the situation's different this time, but due to being the peace maker and thinking about everyone else before myself i will be happy for them. As long as my friends and people i care about are happy then i am happy and content with life.
Everyone tells me that i am good enough and that everything happens for a reason(i hate that statement) but i guess in the end everything does really happen for a reason. Im trying to keep my friendship with him but at the same time i kinda wish he would be an asshole instead od still sweet and pretending as if nothing every happened or we didnt talk for 7 months. Making me believe and think that this was slowly turning into something. But i learned today that i was very wrong but all i can say is atleast now i know the truth...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Not knowing what to think...
You know they say in life you live && you learn. Well i do believe that, but somethings i just don't understand why we have to go through them to learn something.
Someone very special was brought into my life just a short while ago but it was for a reason. Neither one of us have quiet figured out why yet, but i know that there's a reason && it's a good reason. Last night after a heated conversation with my parents && being told that i was going to be kicked out for like the 25Th time in the last month i decided that i need to be an adult. So, the decision that i made was to move out of my parents house. Maybe with this being the decision that i made things will become better between my family && i! I love my family && they mean the world to me, but sometimes i feel as if they don't appreciate me, want me around, nor do they think that I'm worth having around. They will always be a major part of my life but i think right now they want/need a break from me. So, I'm gonna do this on my own for a little bit && then when i get the sign i will talk to them so we can work things out.
There's some things that i took for guaranteed with my parents && i truly am sorry for that. They were just little things but i see now that i stop and think about it why it would upset them && make them think that i was being selfish. For that I'm truly sorry mom && dad. I will prove to you guys that i can make it && I'll be okay...I want nothing more then to make you && everyone else in our family happy. I wont always be a failure in everybody eyes. Watch you will for the second time in my life tell everyone how proud of me you are && that I'm doing something you always knew i could do.
If there's one thing i need and want to say it's that no matter where im at or what i'm doing i will always love my family....I love you mommy && daddy && shanda that'll never change in a million years!!
Someone very special was brought into my life just a short while ago but it was for a reason. Neither one of us have quiet figured out why yet, but i know that there's a reason && it's a good reason. Last night after a heated conversation with my parents && being told that i was going to be kicked out for like the 25Th time in the last month i decided that i need to be an adult. So, the decision that i made was to move out of my parents house. Maybe with this being the decision that i made things will become better between my family && i! I love my family && they mean the world to me, but sometimes i feel as if they don't appreciate me, want me around, nor do they think that I'm worth having around. They will always be a major part of my life but i think right now they want/need a break from me. So, I'm gonna do this on my own for a little bit && then when i get the sign i will talk to them so we can work things out.
There's some things that i took for guaranteed with my parents && i truly am sorry for that. They were just little things but i see now that i stop and think about it why it would upset them && make them think that i was being selfish. For that I'm truly sorry mom && dad. I will prove to you guys that i can make it && I'll be okay...I want nothing more then to make you && everyone else in our family happy. I wont always be a failure in everybody eyes. Watch you will for the second time in my life tell everyone how proud of me you are && that I'm doing something you always knew i could do.
If there's one thing i need and want to say it's that no matter where im at or what i'm doing i will always love my family....I love you mommy && daddy && shanda that'll never change in a million years!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Battling Myself :(
I don't know why or even where to begin to get me out of this funk that i am in. I hate that all i want to do right now is hide out from the world and pretend that I'm just invisible.
I mean i shouldn't be in this mood. I have everything falling into place and tons of exciting stuff coming up yet all i wanna do is lay in bed curled up under my blankets and watch sad movies so i have an excuse to be crying if someone happens to walk in to my "dark hole" and see what I'm up to.
Really i should be excited and getting things ready for my weekend run away to payson. My Nana and Pawpaw have a cabin up there. You don't get cell phone service but that is totally fine by me i think i needa break and reality break ha ha...Isn't that a horrible thing to want? I mean then i already got the call back on my big referral that it's been approved and i can start the process let I'm scared to death and excited at the same time. Don't get me wrong this big referral is EXACTLY what i want to do it's just a big step and a scary one at the same time.
Also, I just wanna through this is can guy NOT make up their minds, or realize when they have someone who would give them the world given the chance? I mean seriously i could just smack some guys who don't know how to use their brains or whatever their problem is lol!
With all this blahhness being said i think that i will call it a night and prop my foot up curl up in bed watch a movie and try to get some sleep!! Thank you for listening to me rant.
I mean i shouldn't be in this mood. I have everything falling into place and tons of exciting stuff coming up yet all i wanna do is lay in bed curled up under my blankets and watch sad movies so i have an excuse to be crying if someone happens to walk in to my "dark hole" and see what I'm up to.
Really i should be excited and getting things ready for my weekend run away to payson. My Nana and Pawpaw have a cabin up there. You don't get cell phone service but that is totally fine by me i think i needa break and reality break ha ha...Isn't that a horrible thing to want? I mean then i already got the call back on my big referral that it's been approved and i can start the process let I'm scared to death and excited at the same time. Don't get me wrong this big referral is EXACTLY what i want to do it's just a big step and a scary one at the same time.
Also, I just wanna through this is can guy NOT make up their minds, or realize when they have someone who would give them the world given the chance? I mean seriously i could just smack some guys who don't know how to use their brains or whatever their problem is lol!
With all this blahhness being said i think that i will call it a night and prop my foot up curl up in bed watch a movie and try to get some sleep!! Thank you for listening to me rant.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Poems....
ALONE...
I didn't want to admit it,
It was easier to lie,
And hide my hurt and emptiness,
To smile instead of cry.
I didn't want to face the fact,
That my life is full of pain,
And i long to stop my bleeding heart,
And maybe even smile again one day.
'Cause i feel oh-so-forgotten,
So betrayed and so alone,
Without a trace of forgiveness,
And no soul to call my very own.
I didn't want to admit the fact,
That i cannot spread my wings,
And my happiness has totally melted,
Into tears and other things.
It's hard for me to hide the fact,
That my wishes no longer have a home,
And they return to anguish,
So, i bow my head and cry alone.
*****This is a poem that i wrote when Lizzy(my baby sister) was killed in a car accident. Mind you i was only 14 at the time, but it has a lot of meaning behind it.*****
Time has shown me many things
Taking me throughout life and love and many changes
Ive come to realize you complete my daily activities
Allowing me to speak with such sincerity.
From dusk til dawn I envision your smile
And soft full lips...your kiss is my reality now
I use to dream about angels like you
Somewhere in a distant land hand in hand
Love til infinity is how i see us.
You taught me to use my heart and forget my past
To open my eyes and arms to embrace this chance.
I adore you
You my energy everyday
Securing me with your love and laughter
And encouraging me not to be afraid
My train of thoughts approaches me
Seeing my king for what he really is
And how he is seen...
Hes seen as a ruler
To all the distant lands of love...
I'm your prisoner...
You've captured me!!
I love you and never want you to let me go
Please don't turn me loose.
****I don't remember why i wrote this poem but i like it****
It was the happiest day of my life,
Id just found out i was gonna be a mommy!
Just the thought of a little person growing in side of me,
Made me glow and the happiest person alive.
Everything seemed to be going great and as planned,
I couldn't have asked for anything else,
Other then the daddy's helping hand in getting through the scary time.(1st trimester)
But everything seemed as if there was something wrong,
One July 27Th 2009 when i awoke in horrible unbearable pain then i realized for sure something wasn't right.
So, i went to the hospital where they ran a bunch of test and told me that there wasn't anything they could do,
I remember thinking, "OMG, I waited to long and my baby's not gonna make it."
Then after awhile the doctor came in and said I'm sorry but you're having a miscarriage.
When i heard those words i felt as if my heart had been ripped out.
I mean the one great thing happening in my life was taken from me,
And all i can remember thinking was, "are they sure that my baby's really gone?"
But here i am 5 months later and i know it's true now my baby's really gone.
It seems like as soon as i found out i was gonna be a mommy it was taken from me!
Someone be honest please does this mean God didn't think i was gonna be a good mommy?
Because, all Ive ever dreamed of is being a mommy and now all of that's gone!
***This is a poem i wrote to my baby when i had the miscarriage last year. This is only the second time anyone has ever even heard of it's existence.***
May eighteenth is the horrible day
My sunshine was taken away.
And it's about to be seven years to the day
That I was told you were gone.
Lizzy there isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind,
I know you re safe with God now
But i just wish you we rent gone.
There's still days that i look for you to come walking through the door,
Just to tell me all about your day at school.
God, I miss you Lizzy
I wonder everyday where you'd be in life if you were still here.
But ill never know
Because you re safe in heaven with God watching over all of us.
May eighteenth will always be a hard day for many people
Who sit and honor the memory of a very special little girl.
But I'm just glad you re safe in God's arms!
I love you and miss your sissy!!
****A poem i wrote on the seven year ANGELversary this year****
Two lost young petals
Wondering souls
I see the dream you seek
Follow me please, if you dare.
The dream is coming
For you and me.
I return by your side
With a heart in my hand
It is like a bright fire dancing
To the slow music turning.
My heart as smooth as ivory
Has turned into lonely, sulfur.
I retire my heart now to you
Love me because Ive always loved you!!
****Wrote this one with a few couples in mind...Rory is going to involve it into his wedding somehow because it touched his heart so much.****
Those are all that i feel are good enough to get feed back on so please be honest and tell me what you think of these poems. Everyone is pushing me to enter them into a contest but i would like to have more feed back on them before i decide whether or not I'm going to try a contest!! I hope you like them and they don't make to many people cry...
I didn't want to admit it,
It was easier to lie,
And hide my hurt and emptiness,
To smile instead of cry.
I didn't want to face the fact,
That my life is full of pain,
And i long to stop my bleeding heart,
And maybe even smile again one day.
'Cause i feel oh-so-forgotten,
So betrayed and so alone,
Without a trace of forgiveness,
And no soul to call my very own.
I didn't want to admit the fact,
That i cannot spread my wings,
And my happiness has totally melted,
Into tears and other things.
It's hard for me to hide the fact,
That my wishes no longer have a home,
And they return to anguish,
So, i bow my head and cry alone.
*****This is a poem that i wrote when Lizzy(my baby sister) was killed in a car accident. Mind you i was only 14 at the time, but it has a lot of meaning behind it.*****
Time has shown me many things
Taking me throughout life and love and many changes
Ive come to realize you complete my daily activities
Allowing me to speak with such sincerity.
From dusk til dawn I envision your smile
And soft full lips...your kiss is my reality now
I use to dream about angels like you
Somewhere in a distant land hand in hand
Love til infinity is how i see us.
You taught me to use my heart and forget my past
To open my eyes and arms to embrace this chance.
I adore you
You my energy everyday
Securing me with your love and laughter
And encouraging me not to be afraid
My train of thoughts approaches me
Seeing my king for what he really is
And how he is seen...
Hes seen as a ruler
To all the distant lands of love...
I'm your prisoner...
You've captured me!!
I love you and never want you to let me go
Please don't turn me loose.
****I don't remember why i wrote this poem but i like it****
It was the happiest day of my life,
Id just found out i was gonna be a mommy!
Just the thought of a little person growing in side of me,
Made me glow and the happiest person alive.
Everything seemed to be going great and as planned,
I couldn't have asked for anything else,
Other then the daddy's helping hand in getting through the scary time.(1st trimester)
But everything seemed as if there was something wrong,
One July 27Th 2009 when i awoke in horrible unbearable pain then i realized for sure something wasn't right.
So, i went to the hospital where they ran a bunch of test and told me that there wasn't anything they could do,
I remember thinking, "OMG, I waited to long and my baby's not gonna make it."
Then after awhile the doctor came in and said I'm sorry but you're having a miscarriage.
When i heard those words i felt as if my heart had been ripped out.
I mean the one great thing happening in my life was taken from me,
And all i can remember thinking was, "are they sure that my baby's really gone?"
But here i am 5 months later and i know it's true now my baby's really gone.
It seems like as soon as i found out i was gonna be a mommy it was taken from me!
Someone be honest please does this mean God didn't think i was gonna be a good mommy?
Because, all Ive ever dreamed of is being a mommy and now all of that's gone!
***This is a poem i wrote to my baby when i had the miscarriage last year. This is only the second time anyone has ever even heard of it's existence.***
May eighteenth is the horrible day
My sunshine was taken away.
And it's about to be seven years to the day
That I was told you were gone.
Lizzy there isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind,
I know you re safe with God now
But i just wish you we rent gone.
There's still days that i look for you to come walking through the door,
Just to tell me all about your day at school.
God, I miss you Lizzy
I wonder everyday where you'd be in life if you were still here.
But ill never know
Because you re safe in heaven with God watching over all of us.
May eighteenth will always be a hard day for many people
Who sit and honor the memory of a very special little girl.
But I'm just glad you re safe in God's arms!
I love you and miss your sissy!!
****A poem i wrote on the seven year ANGELversary this year****
Two lost young petals
Wondering souls
I see the dream you seek
Follow me please, if you dare.
The dream is coming
For you and me.
I return by your side
With a heart in my hand
It is like a bright fire dancing
To the slow music turning.
My heart as smooth as ivory
Has turned into lonely, sulfur.
I retire my heart now to you
Love me because Ive always loved you!!
****Wrote this one with a few couples in mind...Rory is going to involve it into his wedding somehow because it touched his heart so much.****
Those are all that i feel are good enough to get feed back on so please be honest and tell me what you think of these poems. Everyone is pushing me to enter them into a contest but i would like to have more feed back on them before i decide whether or not I'm going to try a contest!! I hope you like them and they don't make to many people cry...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
All The Wrong Feelings...
So, a very important person to my inspired me to write this blog right now because she was strong enough to write and post a blog that she didn't think she should have. She is a VERY strong woman and i look up to her and value you friendship very much even though we are just text and facebook friends right now...One day God will let our paths cross and we will be friends in person to!
Hmmm...I think i will start with the major pain and emptiness i am feeling most right now! It seems like every time i turn around my friends are having babies, getting married, finding the man/woman of their dreams. I'm happy for my friends i am but at the same time i hurt and i feel like somewhere i went wrong and God is maybe punishing me or teaching me something that I'm just not understanding. I want to be loved, i want to find the man of my dreams, but MOST of all i wanna be going through the process of the growing tummy, ultrasound pictures, butterfly feeling of the baby moving...But i lost all of that! I know it was for a good reason and God isn't just doing this to me to hurt me but that seems to be all that I'm feeling right now.
Every time i log on to facebook i see pregnancy count downs, ultra sound pictures, baby bump pictures, or even a new status update saying that another one of my friends is pregnant or had their baby! I nicely comment on the pictures or the status comments. But inside i am screaming and asking why why couldn't i keep my baby why wasn't i good enough to go through all of this. I'm happy...or am i really?? I don't even know anymore but i hate that my heart is full of ugliness and almost feels like there's hatred and i DON'T hate so i do not like this feeling. Can someone give me advice on what i should maybe do to help me get outta this slump??
I don't want everyone to think that I'm a sad person because I'm not but i have been feeling sad and empty lately...when I'm with my awesome friends i am laughing smiling and having a blast until a growing belly walks by or someone with a newborn baby does then my heart sinks!! I hate that i cant just "cowboy up" as my family would say and deal with the fact that God let them keep their babies but had a different plan for me.
Okay now that i feel like all i have done is complain i will go onto a happy subject!! The past two weeks have been a ton of fun with Kristin Justin Rory Dustin Mikey and Dorothy every now and then...I feel like i am very blessed with some super awesome friends...They know when i just need a get away and we go fishing at the canal, go to steakhouse and just hang out, or just sit out in the middle or nowhere talking and laughing!! I know what God loves me and has blessed me with some AWESOME friends in my life that get me when I'm crazy silly or just my loving self. But just because i know that God loves me doesn't mean that i understand why he has done some of the things he has done to me in my life...I just want a sign God to know that what I'm doing is the right thing and I'm gonna be happy again!
Hmmm...I think i will start with the major pain and emptiness i am feeling most right now! It seems like every time i turn around my friends are having babies, getting married, finding the man/woman of their dreams. I'm happy for my friends i am but at the same time i hurt and i feel like somewhere i went wrong and God is maybe punishing me or teaching me something that I'm just not understanding. I want to be loved, i want to find the man of my dreams, but MOST of all i wanna be going through the process of the growing tummy, ultrasound pictures, butterfly feeling of the baby moving...But i lost all of that! I know it was for a good reason and God isn't just doing this to me to hurt me but that seems to be all that I'm feeling right now.
Every time i log on to facebook i see pregnancy count downs, ultra sound pictures, baby bump pictures, or even a new status update saying that another one of my friends is pregnant or had their baby! I nicely comment on the pictures or the status comments. But inside i am screaming and asking why why couldn't i keep my baby why wasn't i good enough to go through all of this. I'm happy...or am i really?? I don't even know anymore but i hate that my heart is full of ugliness and almost feels like there's hatred and i DON'T hate so i do not like this feeling. Can someone give me advice on what i should maybe do to help me get outta this slump??
I don't want everyone to think that I'm a sad person because I'm not but i have been feeling sad and empty lately...when I'm with my awesome friends i am laughing smiling and having a blast until a growing belly walks by or someone with a newborn baby does then my heart sinks!! I hate that i cant just "cowboy up" as my family would say and deal with the fact that God let them keep their babies but had a different plan for me.
Okay now that i feel like all i have done is complain i will go onto a happy subject!! The past two weeks have been a ton of fun with Kristin Justin Rory Dustin Mikey and Dorothy every now and then...I feel like i am very blessed with some super awesome friends...They know when i just need a get away and we go fishing at the canal, go to steakhouse and just hang out, or just sit out in the middle or nowhere talking and laughing!! I know what God loves me and has blessed me with some AWESOME friends in my life that get me when I'm crazy silly or just my loving self. But just because i know that God loves me doesn't mean that i understand why he has done some of the things he has done to me in my life...I just want a sign God to know that what I'm doing is the right thing and I'm gonna be happy again!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thankful For The Things In My Life...
The past couple of weeks i have come to find myself again. I realized that i was letting not such good people into my life. All they were doing was bringing me down and making me doubt myself. But i have taken a stand for myself for the first time in a long time...They are no longer a part of my life. Yes, they still try to contact me through friends and family but i no longer have immediate contact with them. I can honestly say that since I've taken that stand for myself i am happier and realize that i can be me, happy, fun, loving, an awesome friend, someone you can count on whenever you need anything even just to talk, and that i will NEVER let anyone bring me down or belittle me again. Because i am a good person, i deserve to be treated with respect, I'm loved by many people, and i do have true friends that will always be here for me even when i screw up or when i make decisions that they may not agree with.
Right now everything in my life seems to be going as planned. I start school July 12Th, I have amazing friends that i have been hanging out with and having a blast, I have an awesome loving very supportive family, and to top it all off I'm showing the people that have always said that I'm never gonna make it, I'll never be loved, nobody will ever fight for me, and that I'm nothing but a bad person...well I'm making all of them eat their words! Because i know that i have people that will fight for me, that love me, and i am gonna be exactly who i wanna be in life because i have strong will and I'm an independent woman! So, for all the people who have said i will never go to school, finish school, become anything in life i hope that you are ready to eat your words because ready or not here comes Sam and she is fully charged and ready to better herself and prove all of your wrong. No, I'm not going back to school or doing everything in life to prove people wrong. I am doing it for myself but at the same time i love the fact that so many people are going to be proven wrong, that i might get some apologizes, and that I'm gonna be somebody in this world. And not be the stereo typical "Buckeye Girl" that doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, lives off the government, pops out kids to get money, or is a young mother that is to worried about partying to take care of her child/children.
I hope that this world is ready for the determination that i have found because i am not stopping at anything less then what i want and what i know i deserve. So, i hope that no one tries to get in my way...I'm doing this, I'm gonna better myself and I'm gonna be able to do it on my own! I can't wait to be on my own two feet again. i mean don't get me wrong I'm totally and completely thankful for everything that my parents have done to help me in the last year, but I'm going crazy not being able to do it on my own still. Yes, I'm stubborn and i don't like relying on other people to do or get what i want. Which is why i am going to stick with this plan that i have made for myself and i'ma be someone lol!
Right now everything in my life seems to be going as planned. I start school July 12Th, I have amazing friends that i have been hanging out with and having a blast, I have an awesome loving very supportive family, and to top it all off I'm showing the people that have always said that I'm never gonna make it, I'll never be loved, nobody will ever fight for me, and that I'm nothing but a bad person...well I'm making all of them eat their words! Because i know that i have people that will fight for me, that love me, and i am gonna be exactly who i wanna be in life because i have strong will and I'm an independent woman! So, for all the people who have said i will never go to school, finish school, become anything in life i hope that you are ready to eat your words because ready or not here comes Sam and she is fully charged and ready to better herself and prove all of your wrong. No, I'm not going back to school or doing everything in life to prove people wrong. I am doing it for myself but at the same time i love the fact that so many people are going to be proven wrong, that i might get some apologizes, and that I'm gonna be somebody in this world. And not be the stereo typical "Buckeye Girl" that doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, lives off the government, pops out kids to get money, or is a young mother that is to worried about partying to take care of her child/children.
I hope that this world is ready for the determination that i have found because i am not stopping at anything less then what i want and what i know i deserve. So, i hope that no one tries to get in my way...I'm doing this, I'm gonna better myself and I'm gonna be able to do it on my own! I can't wait to be on my own two feet again. i mean don't get me wrong I'm totally and completely thankful for everything that my parents have done to help me in the last year, but I'm going crazy not being able to do it on my own still. Yes, I'm stubborn and i don't like relying on other people to do or get what i want. Which is why i am going to stick with this plan that i have made for myself and i'ma be someone lol!
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