Day 10...

~~~A photo taken of you 10 years ago && how it makes you feel now when you see it or look at it~~~

This is a picture taken of me and megan(one of my best friends since elementary school) we were in the like the six grade or something. Im not totally sure but it is an old picture. When i look at this picture im happy because we were so young && im able to say that we're still friends through thick && thin. Never in a million years would i think looking back at this picture that megan would be married with two beautiful boys && me a mommy of two angel babies && a sister of an angel sister. But here i am and that is exactly where we are at with life right now.

It's funny how young and innocent we look. This photo of us actually brings a big smile to my face! :)

Day 9...

~~~A picture that you've taken of yourself~~~

A picture Ive taken of myself that i like would have to be this one...I think that i like this picture so much because i feel pretty right here && i actually look good. Since loosing both of my babies i tend to not feel pretty at all, but in this pictures i really feel pretty.

So this is my picture that i took of myself that i like and why! :)

Day 8...

~~A picture that makes you angry/sad~~

First off i want to say that I'm sorry this post is late but due to being super sick last night i wasn't able to write my blog. I will write day 8 && 9 today though :)

Okay i am gonna put two pictures on here kinda to show you what I'm talking about then i will explain everything...here are the pictures!!!

Okay so as you can tell these are pictures of myself...the first one is when i was pregnant as you can tell by my tummy i was starting to show. And i don't look all that pretty right there because it was a rough morning sickness day for me && the fact that we were fishing the smell made me feel really sick, but because it is something i enjoy doing && i was with awesome friends i sucked it up && went fishing. The first picture my boobs hurt, they were huge && a pain, my tummy was rock hard, i felt so fat and ugly...But now i look at this picture and would give anything in this world to have all those feelings back. This pictures is my sad picture, but is many ways it is my angry picture to. It makes me sad because i know that i was pregnant here but my body decided i wasn't ready to have a baby i guess.

This second picture is me about 3 weeks after finding out that i was no longer pregnant...It makes me sooooo angry because anyone who can see can tell the difference in my tummy. I don't want to look thin, pretty, or even happy. But due to the situation that this picture was taken for i had to pretend i was happy with myself, my body, && life in general. I wasn't && there's still days that I'm not...I WANTED TO BE A MOMMY!!!!!!! But NOOOO there was other plans in store for me so now i will FOREVER have a HUGE hole in my heart where i should have a ton of love for a little tiny person that i carried for 9 months, that was healthy, happy, && the most amazing thing in my life.

I know that whether my babies are in heaven or here in my arms with me right now i AM && always will be a mommy, but i would soooo much rather my babies be here in my arms && with me then in heaven safe in God's arms. Because when you want something so bad && then it is taken away from you just as quickly as it was given to you, you doubt yourself, your body, && sooo many other things. Honestly there are even still days that i think && ask myself what i did wrong, why did i loose my baby, why did God decide it was my time then it wasn't && took my wonderful gift away...those are just a few things that run through my mind pretty much on a daily bases. I know that if i don't just except the fact that everything happens for a reason i will make myself sick, depressed && just all around an angry person. Which anyone who knows me knows I'm not an angry person but i just have so many questions i wish could be bluntly answered so that i knew all the answers i want to know.

But with all of this being said and explained i think that i shall call it good on this post due to the fact that i am unable to see the keyboard through all these tears running down my face. I never imagined that this post would be SOOOOO hard on me but the minute i started writing it && saw the pictures i knew it was gonna make for a rough post. Thank you for listening && letting me get these feelings && emotions out in the open...They are things that i haven't really ever admitted to too many people before now.

Day 7...

~~A Picture That Makes You Happy~~

A picture that makes me happy that i can think of right off the top of my head right now would be any of the pictures of my little sister. These pictures make me so happy because there will never be any pictures to be taken of her anymore. Due to her becoming an Angel way to soon at the age of 10 years old.
Any pictures that i can think of or look at of Lizzy she has the biggest smile on her face and those HUGE baby blue eyes just stand out to show the world how beautiful they are. Lizzy is one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving human beings i have ever meet or known in my entire life. She never knew a stranger every one was her friend && she would always make sure that she let everyone know that. One of the funny things about her not knowing a stranger made her run into one of my Dad's aunt's that none of us girls had ever meet before && that my dad hadn't seen or talked to in about 12 years or more. She just walked up the an older lady she saw at the team penning we were at watching my dad pen, and started talking to her then found out who she was brought her over to my mom && said "Mommy, look i found Daddy's aunt && she's my new friend!" My mom couldn't even be made at her for talking to a stranger because in reality she wasn't a stranger she was actually family. So, because of everyone being my wonderful baby sister's friends i was able to meet my Great Aunt once. :) Just thinking about that memory while sharing it with everyone brings a smile to my face, but at the same time makes me tear up a little because i miss Lizzy so much every single day. She is && was always an Angel!!
So, i guess the main reason why any pictures of Lizzy are my favorites are because i can honestly and truthfully say that i have pictures of an Angel. Because she now soars in the sky with God && so many other loved ones. Who i am sure she has became friends with all of them. I also hope && pray daily that my babies along with everyone Else's babies are safely in the arms of Lizzy or your loved ones in Heaven just patiently waiting for the day we all meet again.
I know that main of us are struggling right now with our losses because of what October 15Th is, but just remember it wasn't goodbye when we got our horrible news it was until we meet again. And any of us who have pictures of loved ones we've lost whether is be an ultrasounds, tummy pics, professional pictures, random goofy pictures or even just a picture in our memory we can say that we have a picture or pictures of an Angel/Angels. :)

Day 6...

~~~Twenty things that calm you~~~

*Writing
*Writing poems
*Rainy days/nights
*Having my back rubbing
*CLEANING
*Music
*Singing
*Crying in the shower
*Riding horses
*Talking on the phone && venting
*Spending time with little kids/babies
*Coloring
*Scrapbooking
*Sitting out by a river or stream listening to the water
*Watching movies
*Curling up in bed in a dark room thinking things through
*Sitting in the sand on the beach
*Doing my hair && make up
*Getting my nails done
*Gettin a pedi or just having my feet rubbed


Those are the twenty things that came to mind that have && do calm me when im either having a bad day or when im upset. As you can tell i am an easy person to please so it doesnt take much to make me happy or calm me down...With that being said I am going to end this blog a little shorter then normal, but with everything answered && wrote like it needs to be! :)

Day 5...

~~~Your Favorite Quote && Why~~~

The quote that i have choose to write about is special to me not only because of what the quote says, but also because of who i am quoting by using this quote. With that being said i will post the quote and then explain why it is one of my favorite quotes && one that i hold very dear to me.

"Because not a single moment of any day of any week of any month of any year passes when we don't walk for them and with them...always loved...always MISSed." -JoAnne Cacciatore


This is the quote that i have picked to write about...I have picked this quote because Mrs. Cacciatore is a very powerful woman that i look up to very much, but also because this quote just fit the way i have been feeling for the last couple of days. Also, since today is National Pregnancy && Infant Loss Remembrance Day this quote just seems to fit so well. Because there isn't one day, week, month, or even year/years to come that I'm not walking for my babies or with them. I walk every single day for them as well as myself and the other people i love and have lost.

No matter who you have lost whether it be babies, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents you are forever walking for them && with them because they are here with us every single day. But they are also forever MISSed by all of us as well. With all of that being said i think that i am going to end this post by saying mine && many others babies are forever MISSed but NEVER forgotten.

Day 4...

~~Your Favorite Book~~





My favorite book is a toss up between Dear John && My Sister's Keeper. They are both very moving books...wait who am i kidding both of these books made me bawl my eyes out from like the third chapter all the way til the last one. I think that Dear John touched me so much because i have always jokingly said that I'm gonna married someone in the military. There's just something about a man in uniform. But then i know so many of my friends are in relationships with military men && i know that it's a very rough and hard life to live. So, this book was awesome and kept me interested until the very end although i feel that it ended to soon and not at a good place i still enjoyed reading it and crying throughout the entire thing.





My sister's keeper is a book that hits close to home with me due to the fact that i lost my little sister in a car accident. I mean that isn't how it happened to the girl in the book but yea it still has a lot of personal meaning to me. But, that was also was just a book that pulled me in and wouldn't let me put it down until i was totally done reading it. I cried from the third chapter all the way to the end on this book as well.