Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Confused, hurt, sad, angry, and just plan emotional!!

Normally this is a tough month, but I feel like it's a bit tougher this time around. In seventeen days it'll be exactly 9 years since a very inspirational, loving, kind hearted, bubbly little girl left this world. I'm lucky enough to call her my baby sister! Even with her absence she has pushed as well as taught me to better myself, realize when someone isn't worthy of my companionship/friendship, and even taught me to never except anything less then the best and what I deserve in life. Yes, lately I've wondered a lot more who she would be today, where would she be in life, what would she look like, and I can't help but wonder those things. They're unanswered questions that I'm sure everyone who had lost a loved one wonders.

I also believe Lizzy brought a very amazing woman into my life. Who I have became extremely close with in the short amount of time we've been friends. Her name is Jess, her and I have a tremendous amount of things in common, and in all reality witout her help I don't know how I would've dealt with things that've been happening in my life lately. Yes, she's pregnant and I'm helping her through it the best I can, but this month is also an extremely tough heart wrenching month for her as well. It marks seven years sense she lost her mom plus her mom's birthday, and she is having a really rough time dealing with it right now. She's also going through a huge mile maker that normally you experience with your mom. Although, she has an amazing mom in her life who loves her dearly, and does everything to make sure Jess and the baby are happy and healthy she's still struggling with not having her mother her with her.

Our angelversaries dates are very close together so we are both trying to help hold one another up. But then I had a monkey wrench thrown into the mix...Sunday, April 29th, 2012 a very, very special woman who is a second mom to me passed away.

I have been in denial and not wanting to believe it's true since I got the news, but last night reality hit. So, I've been struggling myself, as well as being nothing short of an emotional mess! I just want to wake up from my horrible bad dream, and all this heartache be gone. None of this can be true...it just can't be!! Those are the comments that keep running threw my mind non stop right now. I know momma Pat isn't hurting anymore and she's still watching down over us, but I selfishly want her back...not just for myself but for her whole family, she has a brand new grandson who needs to know his nan-nan like his sissy does!!

All of this tragedy just isn't fare. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I feel like sometimes he wanted me to hold the world on my shoulders and I just can't do it. Is it wrong that I just want to hide out? I want to yell and scream until I get answers as to why this had to happen? Why do we need to feel this much grief in the short 23 years of life? Did I do something wrong to deserve this much heartache in my life? I just want to know why :'(

Sorry, that I was all over the place and rambled on but I dont know how else to express how I'm feeling right now.

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