Thursday, April 21, 2011

Idk anymore...

Never knowing which way to turn && which way not to turn...I feel like I always make the wrong turn when God leads me to the fork in the road!! How do I know which is the right path && which isn't??
I have an extremely difficult time admitting this, but it's time to be more honest then I've ever been before. I'm depressed to the extent that sometimes my thoughts scary me, I'm not an angry person yet it seems that's the only emotion I seem to know anymore, && all I wanna do is hide out in my dark room without anyone else coming in there!! I don't like this feeling nor do I like the fact that I can't shake this depression. Instead I just seem to keep sinking farther && farther into the dark world of depression. Do you have any ideas that might help me slowly pull myself outta this dark place??
Yes, some of what is wrong is May 6th is a year since my last miscarriage. But I noticed a change in my mood before I realized what dates were coming up soon!! I have been bottling any && all emotiobs for the last 8 years && I think it's finally catching up to me, but my painted on/forced happy face is so faded that anyone who is close to me can tell there's something wrong. Almost as if im slowly piece by piece dying from the inside out...
I don't like these feelings!!!! I want them to go away but idk how to do it on my own...yes, im slowly but surely leaning more && more on God for answers. My down fall is that I'm not a patient person && I tend to talk when I should be if you have any advice please tell me because I need any && all help I can get!!! Thank you :)
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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Brain running crazy...

Okay I don't know where to start or where to end so please bare with me. I'm so flustered && confused at the fact someone can/does tell me "You know I like you alot, a lot more then you even really know or can imagine. But right now I just want to mess around nothing serious just get ass from anyone && everyone who is willing to just do that with me. Although once im ready for a relationship you'll be the first to know beautiful!" Seriously, where does anyone && I mean ANYONE get off thinking that is okay to say to someone?? I mean yes he holds a very huge spot in my heart && has for years but im not the back burner girl or keep her on the hook by telling her things she wants to hear every now && then...I'm better then that && deserve someone who would never even imagine saying something like that to me let alone actually acting on those words.
Yes, I know I can't pull any random guy I want outta a crowd, but I was raised knowing I deserve to be treated with respect && the same way I will treat a special someone who deserves to be spoiled the way I know I can spoil him!! I mean yes, I may let my heart normally get involved to soon but this is a life long crush, he was/is my best friend, && we've known each other for years so this is a tad different for me this time lol!! But I'm not about to settle for less then I Daddy's always said I'm his princess && I believe I have a prince out here somewhere.
Even though the other night when I wasn't able to sleep && my mind was going crazy I decided to put a time limit on my love life haha...I said if I'm not married, engaged, or in a serious relationship by the time I'm 25 I'm staying single with no kids the rest of my life lol!!! Yes, the million dollar question to be answered on what made me decide this is...I look at it as I'm half way to 50 everyone else I know will be or already is married with children so I'm the lost cause && should just except the fact that I'ma be single haha!! The main part that sucks is I hate being alone && I love love love children so I hope this life plan isn't the one that comes true for me. I'd love to be someone's one && only to grow old with && live the perfect fairy tale(I know it isn't always perfect but that's part of life. If it means something to you && is worth fighting for then it's gonna be perfect for you).
Anyways, with all of that off of my chest && out for ya'll to give me feed back on I think I'ma call it a night!!! Night && sweet dreams :)
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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm back && have lots to talk about...

Wow!!! It's been a very long time since I've been on here. So much has happened since my last post.
I'm not really sure where to start or what to get off my chest first so if im ramble on && on I'm apologizing a head of time lol!! So, with that being said im sorry if this blog is all over the place && just a ton of venting/rambling. :)

I'm going to strat with on Thanksgiving day a very wonderful && special woman joined Lizzy && the Lord in heaven. My aunt Marty had been battling cancer for about seven months && on Thanksgiving morning cancer won that battle!! She was given her wings && now soars with the Lord && all of the other very special people who I have lost throughout my life. It was a very difficult loss for me, but she's no longer in pain, smiling through painful tears, or just pushing on without complaining because she thinks that's what she has to do! My Aunt Marty is a great woman who is very much missed, but I'm happy she's no longer in pain && one day we will meet again. R.I.P. my sweet Aunt Marty you will continue to live on in everyones hearts!! <3

Next thing to talk about is the surgery I endured about a month && a half ago. Out of no where I had horrible unbearable abdomen pain that I wasn't able to explain or figure out what was causing it. After 13 days of horrible pain && 6 er visits, 3 family dr visits, && 1 specialist visit, rapid weight loss && unable to eat without vomiting they came to the vertic I had gall bladder disease!! After eating && having a horrible attack I was admitted into the hospital for four loong days where they ended up removing my gall bladder && finding out I also have acid reflex disease. Let me tell you the pain you go through when you have a gall bladder attack I wouldn't even wish on my worse enemy. Three people have told me it's worse then going through labor so that's just an example of how much pain I was enduring for 16 days before my surgery. I am now doing so much better thank god!! No pain since...I am now very caution on what I eat which has helped me with loosing weight because I eat so much healthier. There are still some things that trigger my stomach && make it upset but I can always do without those few things lol!! Infact since I got sick && then had surgery I have lost about 36 pounds && im not stopping there :)

Those are the main things I wanted to get off my chest right now, but since I now have the blogger app on my phone I will be posting like I use to!! :)
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