Thursday, September 23, 2010

Letting it all out....

As i am sitting here at 1 o'clock in the morning there are a million and fifty things running through my head that i don't know what to think or do with. So, i have decided that I'm gonna write everything out, let it be known exactly how i am feeling, where i am coming from, && even how i just don't understand some things that are going on in my life.

I wanna start by saying I'm angry, confused, hurt, sad, feeling betrayed, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and all around just pissed off! The major questions that i want answers to is...Why? What didn't i do that she does? What did i need to change? Who did i need to be to be good enough to be yours? Why why why??? That is what is running through my head nonstop and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around the answers so please help me understand. I know that you will never read this or even be able to enough of a "man" to give me the answers to these questions but i just think i will feel a little better by letting this all out.

You know guys use the sayings "bro code" and "bros before hoes" but how come it seems like most girls cant live by the "chicks before dicks" motto? Is it really that hard to tell a guy no, or that you couldn't ever do that to your friend? I mean i would never && i mean NEVER go after a guy my friend had been with, liked, loved, or even just thought was her type. It might be because i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you call your friend, but i think it is also because i know the hurt && heartache that comes with doing that.

How can you paint that smile on your face and lie to yourself by saying that you're okay with a situation that you are not anywhere near close to being okay with?? That's what i was asked the other day...well let me explain to you my answer to that question! I can paint that smile on my face because all I've ever known for the last 8 years is heartache, hurt, anger, and being let down. So, after feeling that and only knowing that for that long you learn to not let people know when you're hurting or upset. As far as lying to myself and pretending that I'm okay with something that I'm obviously not...that comes with having so self esteem, self confidence, or self worth therefore you just think about everyone else and their happiness then if there's enough time left over you worry about if you're truly happy in life or not. I am always thinking/worrying about everyone else and what will make them happy instead of thinking about what will make me happy or what i need to be me or a better me. Giving is what i do...I'm not a selfish person therefore i cant take someone else's happiness away just so that I'm happy myself. It isn't right nor should it be that way. So instead i sit back get walked on, used, and pretend to be happy!

I wonder if it would be wrong of me to hate him, but i don't think it would. After everything i did for him, talking for 7 months believing that i was getting somewhere with him, and to top it all off being there for him when no one else was or wanted to be there for him. I feel like he got everything he needed without making me his girl so why would he have decided that i was a girl he could see himself with when i just did everything a girlfriend would do without the title. You know i never went as low as having sex with him so all of his needs were never met because i respect myself more then to just be the "booty call" or "f*ck buddy" when he didn't have anyone else to help him or didn't want to help himself. But my heart got involved and now i see that it shouldn't have, but how was i sups ta know that his feelings we rent the same. He told me everything to believe that they were...even made time for just us to hang out together without other people around. Yet i wasn't enough was i? No i wasn't i was never who he wanted to be with he just bullshitted his way into my heart so he could have someone do everything i did for him.

With all of that said i wanna say that i know God has a plan and is trying to teach me something with this whole situation, but i just dont understand what the lesson is or what his plan is that he has for me. Yet, soon enough i will see what he is trying to show me because i am learning to listen more and talk less. Letting my feelings and emotions out is a very hard thing for me to do but i feel that writing all this down is helping me express what i am feeling and thinking right now. So, i will continue to pray for my mr. right and keep living my life and bettering myself so then when God feels i am ready my prince will find me and make me the happiest woman alive.

Thank you for listening to me rant and rave! I can honestly say that i feel better without even totally bad mouthing or bashing the people i though i was going to in this blog. :)

Monday, September 20, 2010


Last night was one of the worst nights i have had in a long time. Sitting at the computer i found myself unable to stop crying or even put my mind back into a good frame of mind. So i sat here and listened to the two most amazing songs that were wrote in honor of Lizzy...Which i would love to share on here with the rest of you. Please, don't feel as if you have to listen to these songs but in my eyes they are two of the most amazing songs ever wrote. Yes, mainly because of all the personal meaning behind them but also because of the amazing man who wrote them for his very special little princess...Well actually i cant get them to copy onto this page so you can look them up on harveyjhouse is his name that you are looking for!

My day didn't get any better today...i can honestly say that it got worse then i could've ever imagined it to. But you live and learn and life goes on right? I just never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I knew it would hurt and i would be upset but the situation's different this time, but due to being the peace maker and thinking about everyone else before myself i will be happy for them. As long as my friends and people i care about are happy then i am happy and content with life.

Everyone tells me that i am good enough and that everything happens for a reason(i hate that statement) but i guess in the end everything does really happen for a reason. Im trying to keep my friendship with him but at the same time i kinda wish he would be an asshole instead od still sweet and pretending as if nothing every happened or we didnt talk for 7 months. Making me believe and think that this was slowly turning into something. But i learned today that i was very wrong but all i can say is atleast now i know the truth...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Not knowing what to think...

You know they say in life you live && you learn. Well i do believe that, but somethings i just don't understand why we have to go through them to learn something.

Someone very special was brought into my life just a short while ago but it was for a reason. Neither one of us have quiet figured out why yet, but i know that there's a reason && it's a good reason. Last night after a heated conversation with my parents && being told that i was going to be kicked out for like the 25Th time in the last month i decided that i need to be an adult. So, the decision that i made was to move out of my parents house. Maybe with this being the decision that i made things will become better between my family && i! I love my family && they mean the world to me, but sometimes i feel as if they don't appreciate me, want me around, nor do they think that I'm worth having around. They will always be a major part of my life but i think right now they want/need a break from me. So, I'm gonna do this on my own for a little bit && then when i get the sign i will talk to them so we can work things out.

There's some things that i took for guaranteed with my parents && i truly am sorry for that. They were just little things but i see now that i stop and think about it why it would upset them && make them think that i was being selfish. For that I'm truly sorry mom && dad. I will prove to you guys that i can make it && I'll be okay...I want nothing more then to make you && everyone else in our family happy. I wont always be a failure in everybody eyes. Watch you will for the second time in my life tell everyone how proud of me you are && that I'm doing something you always knew i could do.

If there's one thing i need and want to say it's that no matter where im at or what i'm doing i will always love my family....I love you mommy && daddy && shanda that'll never change in a million years!!