Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A picture that makes me happy that i can think of right off the top of my head right now would be any of the pictures of my little sister. These pictures make me so happy because there will never be any pictures to be taken of her anymore. Due to her becoming an Angel way to soon at the age of 10 years old.
Any pictures that i can think of or look at of Lizzy she has the biggest smile on her face and those HUGE baby blue eyes just stand out to show the world how beautiful they are. Lizzy is one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving human beings i have ever meet or known in my entire life. She never knew a stranger every one was her friend && she would always make sure that she let everyone know that. One of the funny things about her not knowing a stranger made her run into one of my Dad's aunt's that none of us girls had ever meet before && that my dad hadn't seen or talked to in about 12 years or more. She just walked up the an older lady she saw at the team penning we were at watching my dad pen, and started talking to her then found out who she was brought her over to my mom && said "Mommy, look i found Daddy's aunt && she's my new friend!" My mom couldn't even be made at her for talking to a stranger because in reality she wasn't a stranger she was actually family. So, because of everyone being my wonderful baby sister's friends i was able to meet my Great Aunt once. :) Just thinking about that memory while sharing it with everyone brings a smile to my face, but at the same time makes me tear up a little because i miss Lizzy so much every single day. She is && was always an Angel!!
So, i guess the main reason why any pictures of Lizzy are my favorites are because i can honestly and truthfully say that i have pictures of an Angel. Because she now soars in the sky with God && so many other loved ones. Who i am sure she has became friends with all of them. I also hope && pray daily that my babies along with everyone Else's babies are safely in the arms of Lizzy or your loved ones in Heaven just patiently waiting for the day we all meet again.
I know that main of us are struggling right now with our losses because of what October 15Th is, but just remember it wasn't goodbye when we got our horrible news it was until we meet again. And any of us who have pictures of loved ones we've lost whether is be an ultrasounds, tummy pics, professional pictures, random goofy pictures or even just a picture in our memory we can say that we have a picture or pictures of an Angel/Angels. :)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
*Having my back rubbing
*Crying in the shower
*Talking on the phone && venting
*Spending time with little kids/babies
*Sitting out by a river or stream listening to the water
*Curling up in bed in a dark room thinking things through
*Sitting in the sand on the beach
*Doing my hair && make up
*Getting my nails done
*Gettin a pedi or just having my feet rubbed
Those are the twenty things that came to mind that have && do calm me when im either having a bad day or when im upset. As you can tell i am an easy person to please so it doesnt take much to make me happy or calm me down...With that being said I am going to end this blog a little shorter then normal, but with everything answered && wrote like it needs to be! :)
Friday, October 15, 2010
The quote that i have choose to write about is special to me not only because of what the quote says, but also because of who i am quoting by using this quote. With that being said i will post the quote and then explain why it is one of my favorite quotes && one that i hold very dear to me.
"Because not a single moment of any day of any week of any month of any year passes when we don't walk for them and with them...always loved...always MISSed." -JoAnne Cacciatore
This is the quote that i have picked to write about...I have picked this quote because Mrs. Cacciatore is a very powerful woman that i look up to very much, but also because this quote just fit the way i have been feeling for the last couple of days. Also, since today is National Pregnancy && Infant Loss Remembrance Day this quote just seems to fit so well. Because there isn't one day, week, month, or even year/years to come that I'm not walking for my babies or with them. I walk every single day for them as well as myself and the other people i love and have lost.
No matter who you have lost whether it be babies, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents you are forever walking for them && with them because they are here with us every single day. But they are also forever MISSed by all of us as well. With all of that being said i think that i am going to end this post by saying mine && many others babies are forever MISSed but NEVER forgotten.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
My favorite book is a toss up between Dear John && My Sister's Keeper. They are both very moving books...wait who am i kidding both of these books made me bawl my eyes out from like the third chapter all the way til the last one. I think that Dear John touched me so much because i have always jokingly said that I'm gonna married someone in the military. There's just something about a man in uniform. But then i know so many of my friends are in relationships with military men && i know that it's a very rough and hard life to live. So, this book was awesome and kept me interested until the very end although i feel that it ended to soon and not at a good place i still enjoyed reading it and crying throughout the entire thing.
My sister's keeper is a book that hits close to home with me due to the fact that i lost my little sister in a car accident. I mean that isn't how it happened to the girl in the book but yea it still has a lot of personal meaning to me. But, that was also was just a book that pulled me in and wouldn't let me put it down until i was totally done reading it. I cried from the third chapter all the way to the end on this book as well.
This is a tough one...and even though i have been thinking of it since yesterday when i was supsta post it i am still having a hard time figuring out a show that has helped me through hard times or has moved me. So, with that being said sorry that this blog is late and please don't hold it against me if it isn't the best blog i have posted in a while. :)
One of the shows that pops into my head and really stands out is Ghost Whisper because there are many times that people don't get the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. Not to mention in a situation like mine && many others you don't get to choose if you want to say goodbye or even that it is time to say hello && goodbye all in the same day let alone time. But on Ghost Whisper many people get the chance to tell their loved ones all the things that they didn't get to tell them before...because Jennifer Love Hewitt helps bring them together so they can say their finally words before crossing over into the "light" that God is showing them.
I personally wish that i could do that not only with my babies but with other loved ones that i never got the chance to say "goodbye or until we meet again" to! It would be so awesome to have the chance to hold my babies tell them that i love them && that mommy will be there one day, but until then to stay with Aunt Lizzy and all the other family members that are in heaven taking care of them for me. I know that my babies && all my family are safe in God's house, but their are still days that i think "what if," "where would i be if," "do you think i would be okay if," && many things like that. But everything happens for a reason whether we understand the reasons or not God has a reason for doing everything he is && has done in ALL of your lives! :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My favorite movie would have to be....8 Seconds && Juno. Yes, that is quite a difference in types of movies but i cant pick which one i love more.
8 Seconds has a lot of family value and meaning to me. I was born and raised the western/cowboy way so any videos that have to do with western living a tend to love. But the fact that 8 Seconds is a movie based on a true story makes it mean that much more to me because i can relate to something like that happening to either one of my family members or even my future husband. 8 Seconds is a movie about bull riding...Pretty much in a short version the world champion bull rider was riding && then he gets killed by the bull.
Something like that could happen to make guys that i love. Because most of the guys i hang out with are cowboys and that is the type that i tend to be super attracted to so there is a great chance that something bad like that could even happen to my future husband. Which makes that movie touch my heart and mean so much to me for all my own personal reasons.
And then Juno is my favorite movie for many different reasons such as the fact that even though she was young and didn't know what she was going to be about being pregnant she didn't make the selfish or selfless decision of getting an abortion. Yes, Juno could've dropped out of school became a teen mom but she realized that she wouldn't be able to give her child the life that it deserved so she made the adult decision at 16 to give her baby up for adoption to a couple who was unable to have children of their own. I couldn't imagine the pain that comes along with that, but i can speak from my own experience that when your baby is no longer a part of your body you feel a void. Which I'm sure Juno did feel that horrible void as well but she also knew that she could always go and see her baby because she did an open adoption so her and Bleeker were able to watch their child grow.
Where i personally and many other woman will never be able to have that chance because our babies were taken from our bodies with out our want or permission. Some of us may never know why that happened but we all have to have faith and remember that God does have a plan for us and if you listen to him along with talking to him he will give you the answers that you need to get through this. Because i know when the time is right God is going to give me the wonderful gift of healthy precious little babies, and a man of my dreams that i thought i could only dream about. God does have a plan for all of us...we never know what the plan may be but just remember God will make sure that we are happy and we get everything that he has promised us to have.(Something that a very special woman once told me and i am starting to believe that she knows exactly what she is talking about!) :)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Okay, this song serves as both for my child and that i cant listen to anymore for other reasons that i will explain in full depth why and what made me decide to write about this song.
The song is Calling All Angels by Train. I cant listen to this song anymore because it is one of the songs that people have played for my baby sister that was killed in a car accident almost 8 years ago. I think that the main reason why people say that this song reminds them of Lizzy is because God was calling all Angels and she was one of them that he wanted up there with him. I know that everyone says everything happens for a reason and there are days that i believe that is true, but there are also days that i feel like that is a easy cop out so people either don't have to listen to you talk about your problems/experiences that you have went through or dealt with.
This song also reminds me of my two babies that i have lost because they are now all Angels up in heaven with God and their Aunt Lizzy. But then it also says in the song "i wont give up so you don't give up" and "Give me a sign so that i know you're here." Those are two major parts of the song that stand out to me because God, Lizzy, && my babies aren't giving up on me so i cant give up on them by not going on with life and having faith that when the time is right God will give me the gift of wonderful healthy little babies in my life. The other quote stands out to me because i feel that i see signs every single day whether it be a song coming on the radio when I'm thinking about Lizzy or my babies, or it be little things that people do or say to me. God is always giving me signs that Lizzy && the babies are safe in heaven with him.
Yes, it kills me and i have a HUGE hole in my heart from the great deal of loss i have endured in my short 21 years of life. I know that those holes will never be filled by something else because my sister and my babies aren't something that can or will ever replace. But in time i believe that my heart will start to heal to where it isn't so painful for me on a daily bases.
Even though this is a huge struggle that i have been through i believe that i live my life to the fullest and make Lizzy && the babies proud of me. But there will always be a constant reminder of the pain i have over come.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Day 1-A song that reminds you of your child or that you cant listen to anymore and why.
Day 2-Favorite movie
Day 3-A televesion show that either helped you get through your hard time or has moved you.
Day 4-Your favorite book
Day 5-Your favorite quote
Day 6-Twenty things that calm you
Day 7-A photo that makes you happy
Day 8-A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9- A photo that you took of yourself
Day 10-A photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11-A photo that someone else took of you
Day 12-Something that you OCD about
Day 13-A vice(coffee, soda, candy, anything that you have to have to get through the day)
Day 14-The longest relationship you have had(friend or SO) non family relatied.
Day 15-What you like about your house
Day 16-A song that makes you cry(or nearly)
Day 17-An art piece(drawing, sculpture, painting, etc.) that moves you
Day 18-My wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19-A talent that yours
Day 20-A hobby of yours
Day 21-A receipe
Day 22-A wibsite that you visit daily
Day 23-A youtube video that makes you laugh
Day 24-Where you live
Day 25-Your day, in great detail
Day 26-Your week, in great detail
Day 27-Your worst habit
Day 28-What is in your purse/handbag
Day 29-An actual dream have had while sleeping
Day 30-A dream for the future.
These are the topics that are to be used for the next 30 days in this writing challenge. What you do is use what the day says and write about it in full detail until you are at day 30 then the challenge is over. Lets see how many of us can actually start and finish this challenge.
Friday, October 8, 2010
You know the past is the past and no matter how bad things were between Justin and i like a week ago. The fact of him leaving Monday morning and moving back to Colorado is totally killing me. I kinda feel like every time i get close with someone, someone means a lot to me, or whenever i love someone more then anything they leave me. Yes, i know that isn't the case but that is how i feel a lot of times. And it just sucks i know he is going back home to better himself && save money because he got an awesome job offer, but i wanna be selfish and tell him no you cant leave you gotta stay here and find an awesome job offer here so you aren't a million miles away lol. No, i don't want to tell him that because my feelings towards him are still how they use to be at all...I just want to tell him that because i hate the emptiness that i know I'm going to feel when he leaves. I mean we're gonna go from hanging out every day or every other day to not seeing him for a minimum of 6 months to a year. That's a long time. With all of that being said i want to say i am happy for Justin and i think that he made the right decision to take this job offer and go back home because withe the economy the way it is right now there is no way he would be able to do everything that he wants/needs to do off the money he was making here right now. So, I'm proud of you Justin you made the big boy decision and i know it sucks right now but in the end you will be sooo happy that you made this decision and you bettered yourself because of it. :)
You know i never thought that i would openly admit this but i am so jealous of all these woman who are pregnant, just had a baby, and have never had the heartache of loosing a baby. I mean don't get me wrong i would NEVER wish that type of pain or heartache on anyone not even my worst enemy, but it really makes me wonder why God decided it wasn't my turn to be a mommy and prove to him that i would make him proud. I know that he has a wonderful plan in store for me and he is just preparing me for all the awesomeness he is going to hand me throughout my life, but sometimes i ask myself how much more does he think i can handle, haven't i been through enough hurt heartache and pain yet?
There is a lot of heartache and pain that many people have no idea that i even have/had/or that i am having right now because i don't like talking about that stuff. It's easier to paint that smile on pretend that you're happy && then when you're all alone and no one else can hear you, you let your tears stream down your face while you ask why, what did i do to deserve this, will i ever be happy, am i a bad person, do you not think that i will make you proud, am i just a failure, and many other things of that sort. I mean i have an amazing family && awesome friends who tell me that, that all those questions will be answered, that I'm a great person, I'm gonna make a wonderful mommy, some man is going to be the luckiest man alive to say i am his girl. But i sometimes feel like they're just saying that to make me feel better so that I'm not sad or down on myself anymore. But the truth is i need to and i am trying to work on loving myself because i know that i don't love myself the way i should which means that if i cant do it myself what makes me think that anyone else could or would want to love me as well. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "Sam you are beautiful." "Sam i love you!" things like that but i can...when i look in the mirror and see my reflection staring back at me all i do is point out everything i hate about myself and all my flaws i wish i could magaically fix. I dont want to do that anymore so i am working on changing that slowly but i am working on it. :)
I also just recently just learned a very hard lesson, but that is what life is all about is learning lessons and bettering yourself from them. Two weeks without taking to someone you normally talk to every day, you tell them everything that is going on when you dont want to tell anyone else, and you love them like they are family is a very tough thing to do. I will never get involved in a prank that i have a guilty feeling about ever again. I would like to publicly say I am sorry Rory for being involved, not telling you what was going on, and most importantly for hurting you. Last night when he was here and went to leave and he hugged me said "Just so you know Sam we're good i love you bff's always" all i could do was cry when he walked out the door. I thought that i had totally ruined and messed up one of the best friendships i have, but i didnt and im so happy that i didnt because eleven years is a long time but i want it to keep going eleven more years...well actually until we take our last breathes!! He is my male bff and an awesome one at that.
And last but sure the heck not least....I had the most amazing day with my parents a week ago. I know that i miss them more then anyone really knows or realizes, but the situation is better for all of us the way it is now. I would much rather have an amazing friendship/relationship with both my parents then us to live together and not get along a majority of the time. My family means the world to me and i cant even express how thankful and happy i am that they have done all the things that have for me throughout my life. If it wasnt for my parents and my family i dont know where i would be today. I know that i have made decisions and done things that they havent agreed with nor did they like them but i have to make mistakes in order to learn and better myself right? Honestly my mistakes havent been that bad which i am very thankful for but i know there is still so much stuff i need to learn and i slowly but surely am learning that with every decision you make there's something that comes along with it whether it be bad or good.
But with all of that being said i think that i am finally done with this blog for today. I hope that i didnt offend or upset anyone with anything i said, but these are my feelings and are exactly the things i am thinking and feeling right at this moment and time. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I wanna start by saying I'm angry, confused, hurt, sad, feeling betrayed, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and all around just pissed off! The major questions that i want answers to is...Why? What didn't i do that she does? What did i need to change? Who did i need to be to be good enough to be yours? Why why why??? That is what is running through my head nonstop and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around the answers so please help me understand. I know that you will never read this or even be able to enough of a "man" to give me the answers to these questions but i just think i will feel a little better by letting this all out.
You know guys use the sayings "bro code" and "bros before hoes" but how come it seems like most girls cant live by the "chicks before dicks" motto? Is it really that hard to tell a guy no, or that you couldn't ever do that to your friend? I mean i would never && i mean NEVER go after a guy my friend had been with, liked, loved, or even just thought was her type. It might be because i know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you call your friend, but i think it is also because i know the hurt && heartache that comes with doing that.
How can you paint that smile on your face and lie to yourself by saying that you're okay with a situation that you are not anywhere near close to being okay with?? That's what i was asked the other day...well let me explain to you my answer to that question! I can paint that smile on my face because all I've ever known for the last 8 years is heartache, hurt, anger, and being let down. So, after feeling that and only knowing that for that long you learn to not let people know when you're hurting or upset. As far as lying to myself and pretending that I'm okay with something that I'm obviously not...that comes with having so self esteem, self confidence, or self worth therefore you just think about everyone else and their happiness then if there's enough time left over you worry about if you're truly happy in life or not. I am always thinking/worrying about everyone else and what will make them happy instead of thinking about what will make me happy or what i need to be me or a better me. Giving is what i do...I'm not a selfish person therefore i cant take someone else's happiness away just so that I'm happy myself. It isn't right nor should it be that way. So instead i sit back get walked on, used, and pretend to be happy!
I wonder if it would be wrong of me to hate him, but i don't think it would. After everything i did for him, talking for 7 months believing that i was getting somewhere with him, and to top it all off being there for him when no one else was or wanted to be there for him. I feel like he got everything he needed without making me his girl so why would he have decided that i was a girl he could see himself with when i just did everything a girlfriend would do without the title. You know i never went as low as having sex with him so all of his needs were never met because i respect myself more then to just be the "booty call" or "f*ck buddy" when he didn't have anyone else to help him or didn't want to help himself. But my heart got involved and now i see that it shouldn't have, but how was i sups ta know that his feelings we rent the same. He told me everything to believe that they were...even made time for just us to hang out together without other people around. Yet i wasn't enough was i? No i wasn't i was never who he wanted to be with he just bullshitted his way into my heart so he could have someone do everything i did for him.
With all of that said i wanna say that i know God has a plan and is trying to teach me something with this whole situation, but i just dont understand what the lesson is or what his plan is that he has for me. Yet, soon enough i will see what he is trying to show me because i am learning to listen more and talk less. Letting my feelings and emotions out is a very hard thing for me to do but i feel that writing all this down is helping me express what i am feeling and thinking right now. So, i will continue to pray for my mr. right and keep living my life and bettering myself so then when God feels i am ready my prince will find me and make me the happiest woman alive.
Thank you for listening to me rant and rave! I can honestly say that i feel better without even totally bad mouthing or bashing the people i though i was going to in this blog. :)
Monday, September 20, 2010
My day didn't get any better today...i can honestly say that it got worse then i could've ever imagined it to. But you live and learn and life goes on right? I just never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I knew it would hurt and i would be upset but the situation's different this time, but due to being the peace maker and thinking about everyone else before myself i will be happy for them. As long as my friends and people i care about are happy then i am happy and content with life.
Everyone tells me that i am good enough and that everything happens for a reason(i hate that statement) but i guess in the end everything does really happen for a reason. Im trying to keep my friendship with him but at the same time i kinda wish he would be an asshole instead od still sweet and pretending as if nothing every happened or we didnt talk for 7 months. Making me believe and think that this was slowly turning into something. But i learned today that i was very wrong but all i can say is atleast now i know the truth...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Someone very special was brought into my life just a short while ago but it was for a reason. Neither one of us have quiet figured out why yet, but i know that there's a reason && it's a good reason. Last night after a heated conversation with my parents && being told that i was going to be kicked out for like the 25Th time in the last month i decided that i need to be an adult. So, the decision that i made was to move out of my parents house. Maybe with this being the decision that i made things will become better between my family && i! I love my family && they mean the world to me, but sometimes i feel as if they don't appreciate me, want me around, nor do they think that I'm worth having around. They will always be a major part of my life but i think right now they want/need a break from me. So, I'm gonna do this on my own for a little bit && then when i get the sign i will talk to them so we can work things out.
There's some things that i took for guaranteed with my parents && i truly am sorry for that. They were just little things but i see now that i stop and think about it why it would upset them && make them think that i was being selfish. For that I'm truly sorry mom && dad. I will prove to you guys that i can make it && I'll be okay...I want nothing more then to make you && everyone else in our family happy. I wont always be a failure in everybody eyes. Watch you will for the second time in my life tell everyone how proud of me you are && that I'm doing something you always knew i could do.
If there's one thing i need and want to say it's that no matter where im at or what i'm doing i will always love my family....I love you mommy && daddy && shanda that'll never change in a million years!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I mean i shouldn't be in this mood. I have everything falling into place and tons of exciting stuff coming up yet all i wanna do is lay in bed curled up under my blankets and watch sad movies so i have an excuse to be crying if someone happens to walk in to my "dark hole" and see what I'm up to.
Really i should be excited and getting things ready for my weekend run away to payson. My Nana and Pawpaw have a cabin up there. You don't get cell phone service but that is totally fine by me i think i needa break and reality break ha ha...Isn't that a horrible thing to want? I mean then i already got the call back on my big referral that it's been approved and i can start the process let I'm scared to death and excited at the same time. Don't get me wrong this big referral is EXACTLY what i want to do it's just a big step and a scary one at the same time.
Also, I just wanna through this is can guy NOT make up their minds, or realize when they have someone who would give them the world given the chance? I mean seriously i could just smack some guys who don't know how to use their brains or whatever their problem is lol!
With all this blahhness being said i think that i will call it a night and prop my foot up curl up in bed watch a movie and try to get some sleep!! Thank you for listening to me rant.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I didn't want to admit it,
It was easier to lie,
And hide my hurt and emptiness,
To smile instead of cry.
I didn't want to face the fact,
That my life is full of pain,
And i long to stop my bleeding heart,
And maybe even smile again one day.
'Cause i feel oh-so-forgotten,
So betrayed and so alone,
Without a trace of forgiveness,
And no soul to call my very own.
I didn't want to admit the fact,
That i cannot spread my wings,
And my happiness has totally melted,
Into tears and other things.
It's hard for me to hide the fact,
That my wishes no longer have a home,
And they return to anguish,
So, i bow my head and cry alone.
*****This is a poem that i wrote when Lizzy(my baby sister) was killed in a car accident. Mind you i was only 14 at the time, but it has a lot of meaning behind it.*****
Time has shown me many things
Taking me throughout life and love and many changes
Ive come to realize you complete my daily activities
Allowing me to speak with such sincerity.
From dusk til dawn I envision your smile
And soft full lips...your kiss is my reality now
I use to dream about angels like you
Somewhere in a distant land hand in hand
Love til infinity is how i see us.
You taught me to use my heart and forget my past
To open my eyes and arms to embrace this chance.
I adore you
You my energy everyday
Securing me with your love and laughter
And encouraging me not to be afraid
My train of thoughts approaches me
Seeing my king for what he really is
And how he is seen...
Hes seen as a ruler
To all the distant lands of love...
I'm your prisoner...
You've captured me!!
I love you and never want you to let me go
Please don't turn me loose.
****I don't remember why i wrote this poem but i like it****
It was the happiest day of my life,
Id just found out i was gonna be a mommy!
Just the thought of a little person growing in side of me,
Made me glow and the happiest person alive.
Everything seemed to be going great and as planned,
I couldn't have asked for anything else,
Other then the daddy's helping hand in getting through the scary time.(1st trimester)
But everything seemed as if there was something wrong,
One July 27Th 2009 when i awoke in horrible unbearable pain then i realized for sure something wasn't right.
So, i went to the hospital where they ran a bunch of test and told me that there wasn't anything they could do,
I remember thinking, "OMG, I waited to long and my baby's not gonna make it."
Then after awhile the doctor came in and said I'm sorry but you're having a miscarriage.
When i heard those words i felt as if my heart had been ripped out.
I mean the one great thing happening in my life was taken from me,
And all i can remember thinking was, "are they sure that my baby's really gone?"
But here i am 5 months later and i know it's true now my baby's really gone.
It seems like as soon as i found out i was gonna be a mommy it was taken from me!
Someone be honest please does this mean God didn't think i was gonna be a good mommy?
Because, all Ive ever dreamed of is being a mommy and now all of that's gone!
***This is a poem i wrote to my baby when i had the miscarriage last year. This is only the second time anyone has ever even heard of it's existence.***
May eighteenth is the horrible day
My sunshine was taken away.
And it's about to be seven years to the day
That I was told you were gone.
Lizzy there isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind,
I know you re safe with God now
But i just wish you we rent gone.
There's still days that i look for you to come walking through the door,
Just to tell me all about your day at school.
God, I miss you Lizzy
I wonder everyday where you'd be in life if you were still here.
But ill never know
Because you re safe in heaven with God watching over all of us.
May eighteenth will always be a hard day for many people
Who sit and honor the memory of a very special little girl.
But I'm just glad you re safe in God's arms!
I love you and miss your sissy!!
****A poem i wrote on the seven year ANGELversary this year****
Two lost young petals
I see the dream you seek
Follow me please, if you dare.
The dream is coming
For you and me.
I return by your side
With a heart in my hand
It is like a bright fire dancing
To the slow music turning.
My heart as smooth as ivory
Has turned into lonely, sulfur.
I retire my heart now to you
Love me because Ive always loved you!!
****Wrote this one with a few couples in mind...Rory is going to involve it into his wedding somehow because it touched his heart so much.****
Those are all that i feel are good enough to get feed back on so please be honest and tell me what you think of these poems. Everyone is pushing me to enter them into a contest but i would like to have more feed back on them before i decide whether or not I'm going to try a contest!! I hope you like them and they don't make to many people cry...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Hmmm...I think i will start with the major pain and emptiness i am feeling most right now! It seems like every time i turn around my friends are having babies, getting married, finding the man/woman of their dreams. I'm happy for my friends i am but at the same time i hurt and i feel like somewhere i went wrong and God is maybe punishing me or teaching me something that I'm just not understanding. I want to be loved, i want to find the man of my dreams, but MOST of all i wanna be going through the process of the growing tummy, ultrasound pictures, butterfly feeling of the baby moving...But i lost all of that! I know it was for a good reason and God isn't just doing this to me to hurt me but that seems to be all that I'm feeling right now.
Every time i log on to facebook i see pregnancy count downs, ultra sound pictures, baby bump pictures, or even a new status update saying that another one of my friends is pregnant or had their baby! I nicely comment on the pictures or the status comments. But inside i am screaming and asking why why couldn't i keep my baby why wasn't i good enough to go through all of this. I'm happy...or am i really?? I don't even know anymore but i hate that my heart is full of ugliness and almost feels like there's hatred and i DON'T hate so i do not like this feeling. Can someone give me advice on what i should maybe do to help me get outta this slump??
I don't want everyone to think that I'm a sad person because I'm not but i have been feeling sad and empty lately...when I'm with my awesome friends i am laughing smiling and having a blast until a growing belly walks by or someone with a newborn baby does then my heart sinks!! I hate that i cant just "cowboy up" as my family would say and deal with the fact that God let them keep their babies but had a different plan for me.
Okay now that i feel like all i have done is complain i will go onto a happy subject!! The past two weeks have been a ton of fun with Kristin Justin Rory Dustin Mikey and Dorothy every now and then...I feel like i am very blessed with some super awesome friends...They know when i just need a get away and we go fishing at the canal, go to steakhouse and just hang out, or just sit out in the middle or nowhere talking and laughing!! I know what God loves me and has blessed me with some AWESOME friends in my life that get me when I'm crazy silly or just my loving self. But just because i know that God loves me doesn't mean that i understand why he has done some of the things he has done to me in my life...I just want a sign God to know that what I'm doing is the right thing and I'm gonna be happy again!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Right now everything in my life seems to be going as planned. I start school July 12Th, I have amazing friends that i have been hanging out with and having a blast, I have an awesome loving very supportive family, and to top it all off I'm showing the people that have always said that I'm never gonna make it, I'll never be loved, nobody will ever fight for me, and that I'm nothing but a bad person...well I'm making all of them eat their words! Because i know that i have people that will fight for me, that love me, and i am gonna be exactly who i wanna be in life because i have strong will and I'm an independent woman! So, for all the people who have said i will never go to school, finish school, become anything in life i hope that you are ready to eat your words because ready or not here comes Sam and she is fully charged and ready to better herself and prove all of your wrong. No, I'm not going back to school or doing everything in life to prove people wrong. I am doing it for myself but at the same time i love the fact that so many people are going to be proven wrong, that i might get some apologizes, and that I'm gonna be somebody in this world. And not be the stereo typical "Buckeye Girl" that doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, lives off the government, pops out kids to get money, or is a young mother that is to worried about partying to take care of her child/children.
I hope that this world is ready for the determination that i have found because i am not stopping at anything less then what i want and what i know i deserve. So, i hope that no one tries to get in my way...I'm doing this, I'm gonna better myself and I'm gonna be able to do it on my own! I can't wait to be on my own two feet again. i mean don't get me wrong I'm totally and completely thankful for everything that my parents have done to help me in the last year, but I'm going crazy not being able to do it on my own still. Yes, I'm stubborn and i don't like relying on other people to do or get what i want. Which is why i am going to stick with this plan that i have made for myself and i'ma be someone lol!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
This is the song for my Daddy...that i thought i had posted on Father's Day!!! I love you daddy you are my best friend, hero, and the man i compare every guy to!!! You are the best Daddy a little girl could ever ask for and without you i would be lost...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
This is how i feel with the whole David and Joyce thing right now and i shouldn't feel that way right??
What hurts the most explains it so perfectly...watching you walk away is what hurts me the most because i will always love you!
I do wish that every one's wishes come true. Even all the soul suckers that have been in my life and i hold so dear to my heart!
Just because i love this song and it makes me smile!! Because i am the Princess lol
This is exactly how he makes me feel and it isn't right at all!! But it seems like he only says he's sorry when I'm about to leave or something.
But now I'm aware why they like seeing me in those types of moods. Because they're angry unhappy people themselves so they want to make me one of them. I will not become one of them though because i am better then that...i'ma happy, fun loving, outgoing, honest, trustworthy person! So that's what I'm going to stay because that's what makes me who i am, and anyone who has a problem with that or tries to bring me down i will be cutting out of my life. I need positive energy around me not negative. So, if you are a negative person and in my life you should just do me a favor and walk away right now because in the end that will be what happens anyways. It will be hard for me to turn my back on some people but I'm ready for that challenge if it makes me feel good and happy again.
But i would also like to post a song that i want everyone to listen to. It's not totally a good Christan song but it says I'll pray for you in it so it can't be all that bad lol! Here is the song and please really do listen to it...
And with all of that said i think that I'm done with this blog for now!!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
You know you would think after everything that i have stood by his side for and fought for with him he would realize that i AM for real and was willing to give him the moon and the stars. He use to be soooo sweet and only have time for work, angel and i and now I'm just whenever he wants someone to talk NICE to and NOT to be screamed at. Well you've made your choice and you must enjoy getting screamed at, beat on, and treated like a piece of dog shit cuz that's what you've choose. You would've had someone who TRULY loved you, pampered you, is CLEAN, doesn't live like a white trash bitch, treats you how you should be treated, and loved not only you but your ENTIRE family!! I think that you really didn't think this one through because now you have to live with someone who is NONE of what i just said you would've had with me. And when you read this don't say it's to get your daughter because you need to go the CORRECT way about getting her. As of right now you're just under that bitch's thumb right where she wants you and it seems like you like being.
As i sit here and feel heartache from all different areas i wonder to myself what would've happened if i hadn't have lost our baby...would things be different?? Would you still put me through all this hurt and heartache? Would you actually be here for both the baby and i? I wonder all those things as i sit here and cry my eyes out...If you really truly loved me i wouldn't be sitting here in all this pain and crying while you're off "playing house" with HER!!!!!! WHY WHY WHY??? I would give anything right now to be sitting here blogging and feeling the baby move and kick or even to know that you aren't LYING to me and that i really am/was the one you wanted. But I'm not she is...how come she ALWAYS wins?? Can you answer me that one little question??
You know i don't get it the other night when those immature childish people started all that crap with you and we had a serious adult conversation you actually had the nerve to question who i was talking to, hanging out with, what I've been up to and if i have been lying to you?? Was that because that's all the stuff i would've been asking you and getting you to tell me about?? I mean seriously, i know you're talking to her, hanging out with her, doing god knows what when you go over there with her, and you've been lying to me about it right?? YES, i am right because if i wasn't right i wouldn't be sitting here getting all of this out in the open and trying to feel better or even like i got everything out for you to read. I shouldn't sit here and keep being put through this yet I'm dumb enough to do it time and time again. Well i think that the time has come for you to explain and answer all my question TRUTHFULLY and then me to make my decision since you have made yours. Can you guess what mine will be??
So i guess i should end this by saying the ball is in your court and you better explain...but that doesn't mean everything will be better or go back to how it is because i AM single, i will hang out with who i want when i want, talk to who i want when i want, and i DONT have to answer to you every time i do something. So if you are man enough you can talk to me in person other then that you can just email me you excuse, oh i mean response and i will go from there on my decision!!!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Okay first of all i wanna start out by saying...When will people ever grow up and truly act their age? And now with that being said I'm gonna vent about the stupidness that's been going on for the past week.
You know i can honestly say that i dont know who i can and can't trust anymore. I thought these people were close to me and actually cared about me like i truly cared about them, but i guess it was all fake and one sided. Who would claim you as their best friend and like a daughter to them and then go and bother people while they're working just to talk crap about you, your TRUE friends, and even your family? You know i just don't get how some people work. I feel like the only reason they did what they did and bothered him at work to fill his head full of lies is because every one's full attention wasn't on them any longer due to everyone figuring out their true colors and exactly who they really are. When you are 37 married with 3 kids....should you really be hanging out with a bunch of either minors or people way younger then you? NOOOO...I don't feel that you should unless you're trying to be "cool or younger" in everyone Else's eyes.
Outta respect i wont say any names on here...But i think that you should worry about your marriage and what your daughter is doing and who she is hanging out with instead of getting into my business. Because believe it or not I'm not sixteen like your daughter is and i CAN and DO make my own decisions. If you have a problem with me please do come to me and talk to me about don't go and bother him at work. I DO & ALWAYS WILL LOVE HIM...So if you were trying to come between that or to start more drama for me i would just like to let you know your plan back fired and now you look like the childish bitch just trying to start shit. Also when your sixteen year old daughter hangs out with older people or shaddy/slutty people that's what she's going to turn into. Trust me I've known her new found friend for a LOOOOONG time and she's nothing but bad news. I guess you didn't and never will take my advice though so when something happens I'll be sitting back ready to say i told you so and that you should have learned after the first time when this new found friend broke your daughter's boyfriend's windshield all because she said your daughter was a bitch towards her and she didn't like her.
Also if you don't want your daughter having the whore repretation then maybe you shouldnt allow her to hang out with 20 and 22 year old men while couching her to just kiss them because you don't "kiss and tell." When you have a boyfriend normally you are totally and completely faithful if you love them like your daughter claims she loves her boyfriend. But anyways karama is a bitch and she's going to catch up with both you and your daughter for all the hateful untruthful things that you both do on a daily bases. When that happens you wont have anyone to fall back on or even catch you because you're burning ALL of your bridges and you're doing it FAST!!!!
On to next subject...Yes to clear the air i do talk to someone names Justin on a daily bases for the most part but we are just friends. As you have read above this is what pretty much all girls are like and or about therefore i would much rather hang out with guys. I get along with guys better, the arent drama like girls, you can still go to them when you need a shoulder to cry on or even just to vent them. So if anyone has a problem with that they can either deal with it or just not talk to me. I'm tired of everyone sayin that just because i talk to a guy i'm tryin to date them or that im a whore and trying to have sex with them. He is an awesome friend that is funny, a blast to hang out with and just laugh your ass off because that's exactly what happens when i hang out with him and my BEST FRIEND Rory. And now that i have cleared that subject up i will go onto the next issue.
My friends do not make my decisions nor do they control me and what i do in MY life. Yes, being a true friend they sometimes tell me if they think that my decision is the right or the wrong one according to them. Then we talk about it and i make my own decision as to what im gonna do or what i want to do because after all the only one who can and does make decisions for me is ME not anyone else. I'm an indepentant out going person and that's how i will always be. I deserve to be treated like a princess but i can still hang with the best of the boys and do pretty much anything that they can do. That's how i was raised and that's how i will always be...so anyone doesnt like that they can either deal with it or just not be a part of my life. No that's not directed at anyone imperticular...i'm just simlply stating my opinion and how i feel about everything that has been brought up or said to/about me in the last 48 hours. For anyone who is reading this and doesnt know or understand what i'm talk about feel free to leave a comment and i'll be more then happy to explain it to you.
With all of that said I think that i'm done with my rant and vent for the night! Thanks for listening and letting me get everything off my chest that has had me bothered and upset for the past week but more so for the past 48 hours.
Friday, May 28, 2010
As she struggles with her grief
Time is NO great healer
Whatever you believe
Please don't judge this mother
As the tears fall from her eyes
You have your child here
But to hers, she said goodbye
Please don't judge this mother
When she feels the need to say
How much she loved her child
Each and every day
Please don't judge this mother
If she if she feels the need to talk
She'll never get to hold her child
Nor see her child walk
Please don't judge this mother
If she feels she cannot smile
The guilt if she feels happy
Lingers for a while
Please don't judge this mother
When she needs to be alone
She needs to wallow in her grief
In the privacy of her home
Please don't judge this mother
When she feels she can't join in
Pain is all she feels
Having fun feels like a sin
Please don't judge this mother
For anything at all
Just listen to her, hold her
And let her tears fall
(c) Christie Wildman
Thursday, May 27, 2010
But at the end of the day Pawpaw's surgery went AWESOME and he has to stay the night at the hospital tonight but is able to go home tomorrow. He is already feeling so much better and they say over the next 3 days it'll only get better. Pawpaw says they made him an engergizer bunny and that we're stuck with him for 70 more yrs lol...That is totally fine with me because i'm a HUGE daddy and pawpaw's girl! I'm lucky enough to still have my grandparents and i honestly have no idea wat i would do if i didnt have them still.
This's the best Pawpaw anyone could ask for & he was the happiest Pawpaw cause his baby(me) was graduating from high school and proving all the people who said i'd never make it wrong! I love you Pawpaw and i'm so glad that they made you the energizer bunny and i'ma have you for forever!! :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Well as some of you know this is me with David and i honestly feel like he is the love of my life and i'll never be happy unless we're together! I'm doing my own thing as he is his own right now but we talk daily...People that know that we're still talking have major issues with it and tell me that i'm stupid for talk to him or even seeing him but i can't really help it. When we dont talk i feel so alone and like i have nothing other then school adn trying to better myself.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
My little sister went up to heaven to soar with the Lord on May 18, 2003 and the young age of 10. Many people tell me that she's in a better place which yes i believe but hearing or knowing that doesnt make missing her any less. I honestly feel that not many people know or realize exactly how difficult it is to loose a sibling unless you have personally experienced it. I would NEVER in a million years wish the pain of loosing a sibling or even a child on someone not even my worst enemy.
In my mind and in many ways i feel that loosing my baby sister has brought my family crosser together but at the same time has totally destroyed it and tore us apart. There's so many struggles to over come, you have to learn to live differently due to the fact of there being a missing piece in your family. The hole will never be filled but you can do any things in order to still keep the person you've lost alive in spirit and memory. Thanks to many special people but mainly Mrs. Cacciatore I have learned that this is true...You may have lost a love one but you can still keep them living on my honoring them and keeping their spirit alive.
And speaking of honoring your love once that you've lost tonight i will be standing on a stage in front of 80 graduating 8th graders and their family members to give out a scholarship in memory of my little sister Elizabeth Rae Peters. I love you Lizzie and miss you oh so very much...give sissy the streghth not to throw up and to make you proud when i present the scholarship in your name to the special child Cagle and everyone else feels deserves it! :)