All The Wrong Feelings...

So, a very important person to my inspired me to write this blog right now because she was strong enough to write and post a blog that she didn't think she should have. She is a VERY strong woman and i look up to her and value you friendship very much even though we are just text and facebook friends right now...One day God will let our paths cross and we will be friends in person to!


Hmmm...I think i will start with the major pain and emptiness i am feeling most right now! It seems like every time i turn around my friends are having babies, getting married, finding the man/woman of their dreams. I'm happy for my friends i am but at the same time i hurt and i feel like somewhere i went wrong and God is maybe punishing me or teaching me something that I'm just not understanding. I want to be loved, i want to find the man of my dreams, but MOST of all i wanna be going through the process of the growing tummy, ultrasound pictures, butterfly feeling of the baby moving...But i lost all of that! I know it was for a good reason and God isn't just doing this to me to hurt me but that seems to be all that I'm feeling right now.

Every time i log on to facebook i see pregnancy count downs, ultra sound pictures, baby bump pictures, or even a new status update saying that another one of my friends is pregnant or had their baby! I nicely comment on the pictures or the status comments. But inside i am screaming and asking why why couldn't i keep my baby why wasn't i good enough to go through all of this. I'm happy...or am i really?? I don't even know anymore but i hate that my heart is full of ugliness and almost feels like there's hatred and i DON'T hate so i do not like this feeling. Can someone give me advice on what i should maybe do to help me get outta this slump??

I don't want everyone to think that I'm a sad person because I'm not but i have been feeling sad and empty lately...when I'm with my awesome friends i am laughing smiling and having a blast until a growing belly walks by or someone with a newborn baby does then my heart sinks!! I hate that i cant just "cowboy up" as my family would say and deal with the fact that God let them keep their babies but had a different plan for me.


Okay now that i feel like all i have done is complain i will go onto a happy subject!! The past two weeks have been a ton of fun with Kristin Justin Rory Dustin Mikey and Dorothy every now and then...I feel like i am very blessed with some super awesome friends...They know when i just need a get away and we go fishing at the canal, go to steakhouse and just hang out, or just sit out in the middle or nowhere talking and laughing!! I know what God loves me and has blessed me with some AWESOME friends in my life that get me when I'm crazy silly or just my loving self. But just because i know that God loves me doesn't mean that i understand why he has done some of the things he has done to me in my life...I just want a sign God to know that what I'm doing is the right thing and I'm gonna be happy again!