Friday, May 28, 2010

A poem from a MISSing Angels Mommy!!

Please don't judge this mother
As she struggles with her grief
Time is NO great healer
Whatever you believe
Please don't judge this mother
As the tears fall from her eyes
You have your child here
But to hers, she said goodbye
Please don't judge this mother
When she feels the need to say
How much she loved her child
Each and every day
Please don't judge this mother
If she if she feels the need to talk
She'll never get to hold her child
Nor see her child walk
Please don't judge this mother
If she feels she cannot smile
The guilt if she feels happy
Lingers for a while
Please don't judge this mother
When she needs to be alone
She needs to wallow in her grief
In the privacy of her home
Please don't judge this mother
When she feels she can't join in
Pain is all she feels
Having fun feels like a sin
Please don't judge this mother
For anything at all
Just listen to her, hold her
And let her tears fall
(c) Christie Wildman

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Happy happy happy!!!

So, today started out to be a sad day because my Pawpaw went in for heart surgery and my mom and i were told that we didnt need to go to payson to be there. Well when my Nana called to tell us that Pawpaw was outta surgery and in recovery we found out that my Aunts and Cousins were there...That hurt because Nana said that we didnt need to be there but then told them to come up because they lived closer. You know he's as much my Pawpaw and my mom's Daddy as he is theirs!

But at the end of the day Pawpaw's surgery went AWESOME and he has to stay the night at the hospital tonight but is able to go home tomorrow. He is already feeling so much better and they say over the next 3 days it'll only get better. Pawpaw says they made him an engergizer bunny and that we're stuck with him for 70 more yrs lol...That is totally fine with me because i'm a HUGE daddy and pawpaw's girl! I'm lucky enough to still have my grandparents and i honestly have no idea wat i would do if i didnt have them still.

This's the best Pawpaw anyone could ask for & he was the happiest Pawpaw cause his baby(me) was graduating from high school and proving all the people who said i'd never make it wrong! I love you Pawpaw and i'm so glad that they made you the energizer bunny and i'ma have you for forever!! :)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ranting, Blabbing, And Just Lettin It All Out!

Sometimes i just dont understand what to do or think...Many of my friends and people that I hold very close to me have been telling me that I shouldnt talk to someone that means a lot to me, but at the end of the day all i can do is cry and wish that i was talking to that person or even cuddling up next to him. I know that they sayin is to follow your heart that it wont lead you in the wrong direction...But why does it feel like if you follow your heart everyone else that you hold so close to you is either going to be upset or you might even loose them for making the choice that you feel is right for you?? There's so many hard difficult questions running through my head right now and i dont feel like i can really go to the people that i normally do so instead i'm gonna blab and vent on here. Hopefully my follower may be able to give me some advice on what i maybe should do...

Right now i'm gonna put a picture up of the person that i'm talking about in this blog...
Well as some of you know this is me with David and i honestly feel like he is the love of my life and i'll never be happy unless we're together! I'm doing my own thing as he is his own right now but we talk daily...People that know that we're still talking have major issues with it and tell me that i'm stupid for talk to him or even seeing him but i can't really help it. When we dont talk i feel so alone and like i have nothing other then school adn trying to better myself.
So, I know that i more than likely sound like an idiot or like i can't live without him. I can live without him but i dont WANT to live without him as a part of my life. There's many nights that i still to this very day cry myself to sleep hoping that when i wake up in the morning David will call me and tell me that he has a court date and is going about gettin Angel the legal way...That would make me the happiest woman alive because that would mean that we're one step closer to me and him actually being together again, and Joyce not bein able to control him and his decisions of who he wants to be with or doesnt want to be with.
Today David told me some news that sent chills over my body...He told me that he talked to an Army recruiter at work today and is seriously thinking about going into the military so that he can better his future and know that if anything is/was to happen to him Angel would have everything she would ever need. I mean if he seriously wants to go into the military i will support him a 150%, but at the same time i'm afraid of totally loosing him all together. I mean if all we can ever be is friends then so be it but if he is to marry Joyce & have a military life with her i will never even talk to him or anything again. Does this sound stupid? I kinda feel like i'm an idiot for even thinking that way or like i'm being selfish which isn't how i'm trying to be at all.
But i think for tonight i'm done bitching and complaining becuz this is a pretty long blog and it seems like all i'm doing is complaining instead of being the supportive person that i know i am. But i just wanna say I love David Whipple and he means the world for me and i'm gonna keep talking to him becuz the people that matter will support my decision and the ones who dont never really truly cared about me and what makes me happy!! Night all my followers....feel free to give me your input on this blog please :)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Missing A Very Special Angel...

May 18th is a very rough day for many people. Not only my family but also all the other people that this wonderful little girl touch the hearts and lives of.

My little sister went up to heaven to soar with the Lord on May 18, 2003 and the young age of 10. Many people tell me that she's in a better place which yes i believe but hearing or knowing that doesnt make missing her any less. I honestly feel that not many people know or realize exactly how difficult it is to loose a sibling unless you have personally experienced it. I would NEVER in a million years wish the pain of loosing a sibling or even a child on someone not even my worst enemy.

In my mind and in many ways i feel that loosing my baby sister has brought my family crosser together but at the same time has totally destroyed it and tore us apart. There's so many struggles to over come, you have to learn to live differently due to the fact of there being a missing piece in your family. The hole will never be filled but you can do any things in order to still keep the person you've lost alive in spirit and memory. Thanks to many special people but mainly Mrs. Cacciatore I have learned that this is true...You may have lost a love one but you can still keep them living on my honoring them and keeping their spirit alive.

And speaking of honoring your love once that you've lost tonight i will be standing on a stage in front of 80 graduating 8th graders and their family members to give out a scholarship in memory of my little sister Elizabeth Rae Peters. I love you Lizzie and miss you oh so very much...give sissy the streghth not to throw up and to make you proud when i present the scholarship in your name to the special child Cagle and everyone else feels deserves it! :)