Tuesday, June 29, 2010

All The Wrong Feelings...

So, a very important person to my inspired me to write this blog right now because she was strong enough to write and post a blog that she didn't think she should have. She is a VERY strong woman and i look up to her and value you friendship very much even though we are just text and facebook friends right now...One day God will let our paths cross and we will be friends in person to!

Hmmm...I think i will start with the major pain and emptiness i am feeling most right now! It seems like every time i turn around my friends are having babies, getting married, finding the man/woman of their dreams. I'm happy for my friends i am but at the same time i hurt and i feel like somewhere i went wrong and God is maybe punishing me or teaching me something that I'm just not understanding. I want to be loved, i want to find the man of my dreams, but MOST of all i wanna be going through the process of the growing tummy, ultrasound pictures, butterfly feeling of the baby moving...But i lost all of that! I know it was for a good reason and God isn't just doing this to me to hurt me but that seems to be all that I'm feeling right now.

Every time i log on to facebook i see pregnancy count downs, ultra sound pictures, baby bump pictures, or even a new status update saying that another one of my friends is pregnant or had their baby! I nicely comment on the pictures or the status comments. But inside i am screaming and asking why why couldn't i keep my baby why wasn't i good enough to go through all of this. I'm happy...or am i really?? I don't even know anymore but i hate that my heart is full of ugliness and almost feels like there's hatred and i DON'T hate so i do not like this feeling. Can someone give me advice on what i should maybe do to help me get outta this slump??

I don't want everyone to think that I'm a sad person because I'm not but i have been feeling sad and empty lately...when I'm with my awesome friends i am laughing smiling and having a blast until a growing belly walks by or someone with a newborn baby does then my heart sinks!! I hate that i cant just "cowboy up" as my family would say and deal with the fact that God let them keep their babies but had a different plan for me.

Okay now that i feel like all i have done is complain i will go onto a happy subject!! The past two weeks have been a ton of fun with Kristin Justin Rory Dustin Mikey and Dorothy every now and then...I feel like i am very blessed with some super awesome friends...They know when i just need a get away and we go fishing at the canal, go to steakhouse and just hang out, or just sit out in the middle or nowhere talking and laughing!! I know what God loves me and has blessed me with some AWESOME friends in my life that get me when I'm crazy silly or just my loving self. But just because i know that God loves me doesn't mean that i understand why he has done some of the things he has done to me in my life...I just want a sign God to know that what I'm doing is the right thing and I'm gonna be happy again!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Thankful For The Things In My Life...

The past couple of weeks i have come to find myself again. I realized that i was letting not such good people into my life. All they were doing was bringing me down and making me doubt myself. But i have taken a stand for myself for the first time in a long time...They are no longer a part of my life. Yes, they still try to contact me through friends and family but i no longer have immediate contact with them. I can honestly say that since I've taken that stand for myself i am happier and realize that i can be me, happy, fun, loving, an awesome friend, someone you can count on whenever you need anything even just to talk, and that i will NEVER let anyone bring me down or belittle me again. Because i am a good person, i deserve to be treated with respect, I'm loved by many people, and i do have true friends that will always be here for me even when i screw up or when i make decisions that they may not agree with.

Right now everything in my life seems to be going as planned. I start school July 12Th, I have amazing friends that i have been hanging out with and having a blast, I have an awesome loving very supportive family, and to top it all off I'm showing the people that have always said that I'm never gonna make it, I'll never be loved, nobody will ever fight for me, and that I'm nothing but a bad person...well I'm making all of them eat their words! Because i know that i have people that will fight for me, that love me, and i am gonna be exactly who i wanna be in life because i have strong will and I'm an independent woman! So, for all the people who have said i will never go to school, finish school, become anything in life i hope that you are ready to eat your words because ready or not here comes Sam and she is fully charged and ready to better herself and prove all of your wrong. No, I'm not going back to school or doing everything in life to prove people wrong. I am doing it for myself but at the same time i love the fact that so many people are going to be proven wrong, that i might get some apologizes, and that I'm gonna be somebody in this world. And not be the stereo typical "Buckeye Girl" that doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, lives off the government, pops out kids to get money, or is a young mother that is to worried about partying to take care of her child/children.

I hope that this world is ready for the determination that i have found because i am not stopping at anything less then what i want and what i know i deserve. So, i hope that no one tries to get in my way...I'm doing this, I'm gonna better myself and I'm gonna be able to do it on my own! I can't wait to be on my own two feet again. i mean don't get me wrong I'm totally and completely thankful for everything that my parents have done to help me in the last year, but I'm going crazy not being able to do it on my own still. Yes, I'm stubborn and i don't like relying on other people to do or get what i want. Which is why i am going to stick with this plan that i have made for myself and i'ma be someone lol!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn

This is the song for my Daddy...that i thought i had posted on Father's Day!!! I love you daddy you are my best friend, hero, and the man i compare every guy to!!! You are the best Daddy a little girl could ever ask for and without you i would be lost...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Songs That Explain How I Feel Right Now!!

This is how i feel with the whole David and Joyce thing right now and i shouldn't feel that way right??

What hurts the most explains it so perfectly...watching you walk away is what hurts me the most because i will always love you!

I do wish that every one's wishes come true. Even all the soul suckers that have been in my life and i hold so dear to my heart!

Just because i love this song and it makes me smile!! Because i am the Princess lol

This is exactly how he makes me feel and it isn't right at all!! But it seems like he only says he's sorry when I'm about to leave or something.

Running Through My Head...

As i was awaken this morning at 6 am by a text from one of the people i was talking about in my earlier blog i realized i have SOOOO many soul suckers in my life. And I refuse to have it that way. I don't see why people like seeing me hurt, cry, get upset, or even scream and yell in anger.

But now I'm aware why they like seeing me in those types of moods. Because they're angry unhappy people themselves so they want to make me one of them. I will not become one of them though because i am better then that...i'ma happy, fun loving, outgoing, honest, trustworthy person! So that's what I'm going to stay because that's what makes me who i am, and anyone who has a problem with that or tries to bring me down i will be cutting out of my life. I need positive energy around me not negative. So, if you are a negative person and in my life you should just do me a favor and walk away right now because in the end that will be what happens anyways. It will be hard for me to turn my back on some people but I'm ready for that challenge if it makes me feel good and happy again.

But i would also like to post a song that i want everyone to listen to. It's not totally a good Christan song but it says I'll pray for you in it so it can't be all that bad lol! Here is the song and please really do listen to it...

And with all of that said i think that I'm done with this blog for now!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


So i wonder to myself why do i let this keep happening?? I believe it every time he says "baby i love you and only you", "you're the one i wanna spend my life with", "i want to marry you and us to be happy" but yet not even 24 hours later he's at HER house...he says it's for his daughter. But what i don't get is why he goes there all the time and he does it right after he's had his daughter with him for the last 5 days. All i am is the booty call or back up plan for when she leaves you again huh?? Well i refuse to be that anymore...so i will sit here and write exactly how I'm feeling and cry my eyes out and then i guess say goodbye! It's what you want isn't it??

You know you would think after everything that i have stood by his side for and fought for with him he would realize that i AM for real and was willing to give him the moon and the stars. He use to be soooo sweet and only have time for work, angel and i and now I'm just whenever he wants someone to talk NICE to and NOT to be screamed at. Well you've made your choice and you must enjoy getting screamed at, beat on, and treated like a piece of dog shit cuz that's what you've choose. You would've had someone who TRULY loved you, pampered you, is CLEAN, doesn't live like a white trash bitch, treats you how you should be treated, and loved not only you but your ENTIRE family!! I think that you really didn't think this one through because now you have to live with someone who is NONE of what i just said you would've had with me. And when you read this don't say it's to get your daughter because you need to go the CORRECT way about getting her. As of right now you're just under that bitch's thumb right where she wants you and it seems like you like being.

As i sit here and feel heartache from all different areas i wonder to myself what would've happened if i hadn't have lost our baby...would things be different?? Would you still put me through all this hurt and heartache? Would you actually be here for both the baby and i? I wonder all those things as i sit here and cry my eyes out...If you really truly loved me i wouldn't be sitting here in all this pain and crying while you're off "playing house" with HER!!!!!! WHY WHY WHY??? I would give anything right now to be sitting here blogging and feeling the baby move and kick or even to know that you aren't LYING to me and that i really am/was the one you wanted. But I'm not she is...how come she ALWAYS wins?? Can you answer me that one little question??

You know i don't get it the other night when those immature childish people started all that crap with you and we had a serious adult conversation you actually had the nerve to question who i was talking to, hanging out with, what I've been up to and if i have been lying to you?? Was that because that's all the stuff i would've been asking you and getting you to tell me about?? I mean seriously, i know you're talking to her, hanging out with her, doing god knows what when you go over there with her, and you've been lying to me about it right?? YES, i am right because if i wasn't right i wouldn't be sitting here getting all of this out in the open and trying to feel better or even like i got everything out for you to read. I shouldn't sit here and keep being put through this yet I'm dumb enough to do it time and time again. Well i think that the time has come for you to explain and answer all my question TRUTHFULLY and then me to make my decision since you have made yours. Can you guess what mine will be??

So i guess i should end this by saying the ball is in your court and you better explain...but that doesn't mean everything will be better or go back to how it is because i AM single, i will hang out with who i want when i want, talk to who i want when i want, and i DONT have to answer to you every time i do something. So if you are man enough you can talk to me in person other then that you can just email me you excuse, oh i mean response and i will go from there on my decision!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

UGH...I needa explode with anger!!!

First and foremost everyone should know that this is an angry blog so if you don't wanna hear my angriness don't read it please!

Okay first of all i wanna start out by saying...When will people ever grow up and truly act their age? And now with that being said I'm gonna vent about the stupidness that's been going on for the past week.

You know i can honestly say that i dont know who i can and can't trust anymore. I thought these people were close to me and actually cared about me like i truly cared about them, but i guess it was all fake and one sided. Who would claim you as their best friend and like a daughter to them and then go and bother people while they're working just to talk crap about you, your TRUE friends, and even your family? You know i just don't get how some people work. I feel like the only reason they did what they did and bothered him at work to fill his head full of lies is because every one's full attention wasn't on them any longer due to everyone figuring out their true colors and exactly who they really are. When you are 37 married with 3 kids....should you really be hanging out with a bunch of either minors or people way younger then you? NOOOO...I don't feel that you should unless you're trying to be "cool or younger" in everyone Else's eyes.

Outta respect i wont say any names on here...But i think that you should worry about your marriage and what your daughter is doing and who she is hanging out with instead of getting into my business. Because believe it or not I'm not sixteen like your daughter is and i CAN and DO make my own decisions. If you have a problem with me please do come to me and talk to me about don't go and bother him at work. I DO & ALWAYS WILL LOVE HIM...So if you were trying to come between that or to start more drama for me i would just like to let you know your plan back fired and now you look like the childish bitch just trying to start shit. Also when your sixteen year old daughter hangs out with older people or shaddy/slutty people that's what she's going to turn into. Trust me I've known her new found friend for a LOOOOONG time and she's nothing but bad news. I guess you didn't and never will take my advice though so when something happens I'll be sitting back ready to say i told you so and that you should have learned after the first time when this new found friend broke your daughter's boyfriend's windshield all because she said your daughter was a bitch towards her and she didn't like her.

Also if you don't want your daughter having the whore repretation then maybe you shouldnt allow her to hang out with 20 and 22 year old men while couching her to just kiss them because you don't "kiss and tell." When you have a boyfriend normally you are totally and completely faithful if you love them like your daughter claims she loves her boyfriend. But anyways karama is a bitch and she's going to catch up with both you and your daughter for all the hateful untruthful things that you both do on a daily bases. When that happens you wont have anyone to fall back on or even catch you because you're burning ALL of your bridges and you're doing it FAST!!!!

On to next subject...Yes to clear the air i do talk to someone names Justin on a daily bases for the most part but we are just friends. As you have read above this is what pretty much all girls are like and or about therefore i would much rather hang out with guys. I get along with guys better, the arent drama like girls, you can still go to them when you need a shoulder to cry on or even just to vent them. So if anyone has a problem with that they can either deal with it or just not talk to me. I'm tired of everyone sayin that just because i talk to a guy i'm tryin to date them or that im a whore and trying to have sex with them. He is an awesome friend that is funny, a blast to hang out with and just laugh your ass off because that's exactly what happens when i hang out with him and my BEST FRIEND Rory. And now that i have cleared that subject up i will go onto the next issue.

My friends do not make my decisions nor do they control me and what i do in MY life. Yes, being a true friend they sometimes tell me if they think that my decision is the right or the wrong one according to them. Then we talk about it and i make my own decision as to what im gonna do or what i want to do because after all the only one who can and does make decisions for me is ME not anyone else. I'm an indepentant out going person and that's how i will always be. I deserve to be treated like a princess but i can still hang with the best of the boys and do pretty much anything that they can do. That's how i was raised and that's how i will always be...so anyone doesnt like that they can either deal with it or just not be a part of my life. No that's not directed at anyone imperticular...i'm just simlply stating my opinion and how i feel about everything that has been brought up or said to/about me in the last 48 hours. For anyone who is reading this and doesnt know or understand what i'm talk about feel free to leave a comment and i'll be more then happy to explain it to you.

With all of that said I think that i'm done with my rant and vent for the night! Thanks for listening and letting me get everything off my chest that has had me bothered and upset for the past week but more so for the past 48 hours.