First off i want to say that I'm sorry this post is late but due to being super sick last night i wasn't able to write my blog. I will write day 8 && 9 today though :)
Okay i am gonna put two pictures on here kinda to show you what I'm talking about then i will explain everything...here are the pictures!!!
Okay so as you can tell these are pictures of myself...the first one is when i was pregnant as you can tell by my tummy i was starting to show. And i don't look all that pretty right there because it was a rough morning sickness day for me && the fact that we were fishing the smell made me feel really sick, but because it is something i enjoy doing && i was with awesome friends i sucked it up && went fishing. The first picture my boobs hurt, they were huge && a pain, my tummy was rock hard, i felt so fat and ugly...But now i look at this picture and would give anything in this world to have all those feelings back. This pictures is my sad picture, but is many ways it is my angry picture to. It makes me sad because i know that i was pregnant here but my body decided i wasn't ready to have a baby i guess.
This second picture is me about 3 weeks after finding out that i was no longer pregnant...It makes me sooooo angry because anyone who can see can tell the difference in my tummy. I don't want to look thin, pretty, or even happy. But due to the situation that this picture was taken for i had to pretend i was happy with myself, my body, && life in general. I wasn't && there's still days that I'm not...I WANTED TO BE A MOMMY!!!!!!! But NOOOO there was other plans in store for me so now i will FOREVER have a HUGE hole in my heart where i should have a ton of love for a little tiny person that i carried for 9 months, that was healthy, happy, && the most amazing thing in my life.
I know that whether my babies are in heaven or here in my arms with me right now i AM && always will be a mommy, but i would soooo much rather my babies be here in my arms && with me then in heaven safe in God's arms. Because when you want something so bad && then it is taken away from you just as quickly as it was given to you, you doubt yourself, your body, && sooo many other things. Honestly there are even still days that i think && ask myself what i did wrong, why did i loose my baby, why did God decide it was my time then it wasn't && took my wonderful gift away...those are just a few things that run through my mind pretty much on a daily bases. I know that if i don't just except the fact that everything happens for a reason i will make myself sick, depressed && just all around an angry person. Which anyone who knows me knows I'm not an angry person but i just have so many questions i wish could be bluntly answered so that i knew all the answers i want to know.
But with all of this being said and explained i think that i shall call it good on this post due to the fact that i am unable to see the keyboard through all these tears running down my face. I never imagined that this post would be SOOOOO hard on me but the minute i started writing it && saw the pictures i knew it was gonna make for a rough post. Thank you for listening && letting me get these feelings && emotions out in the open...They are things that i haven't really ever admitted to too many people before now.
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