Okay so there are a lot of things that i am going to put out on the table right now in this blog and i would like to say first that I'm not writing this to offend anyone or upset anyone so i hope that isn't what happens. There is just a lot that i need to get off my chest to hopefully make me feel better and not like all i want to do is cry. With all of that said i think that I'm going to finally start my blog now...
You know the past is the past and no matter how bad things were between Justin and i like a week ago. The fact of him leaving Monday morning and moving back to Colorado is totally killing me. I kinda feel like every time i get close with someone, someone means a lot to me, or whenever i love someone more then anything they leave me. Yes, i know that isn't the case but that is how i feel a lot of times. And it just sucks i know he is going back home to better himself && save money because he got an awesome job offer, but i wanna be selfish and tell him no you cant leave you gotta stay here and find an awesome job offer here so you aren't a million miles away lol. No, i don't want to tell him that because my feelings towards him are still how they use to be at all...I just want to tell him that because i hate the emptiness that i know I'm going to feel when he leaves. I mean we're gonna go from hanging out every day or every other day to not seeing him for a minimum of 6 months to a year. That's a long time. With all of that being said i want to say i am happy for Justin and i think that he made the right decision to take this job offer and go back home because withe the economy the way it is right now there is no way he would be able to do everything that he wants/needs to do off the money he was making here right now. So, I'm proud of you Justin you made the big boy decision and i know it sucks right now but in the end you will be sooo happy that you made this decision and you bettered yourself because of it. :)
You know i never thought that i would openly admit this but i am so jealous of all these woman who are pregnant, just had a baby, and have never had the heartache of loosing a baby. I mean don't get me wrong i would NEVER wish that type of pain or heartache on anyone not even my worst enemy, but it really makes me wonder why God decided it wasn't my turn to be a mommy and prove to him that i would make him proud. I know that he has a wonderful plan in store for me and he is just preparing me for all the awesomeness he is going to hand me throughout my life, but sometimes i ask myself how much more does he think i can handle, haven't i been through enough hurt heartache and pain yet?
There is a lot of heartache and pain that many people have no idea that i even have/had/or that i am having right now because i don't like talking about that stuff. It's easier to paint that smile on pretend that you're happy && then when you're all alone and no one else can hear you, you let your tears stream down your face while you ask why, what did i do to deserve this, will i ever be happy, am i a bad person, do you not think that i will make you proud, am i just a failure, and many other things of that sort. I mean i have an amazing family && awesome friends who tell me that, that all those questions will be answered, that I'm a great person, I'm gonna make a wonderful mommy, some man is going to be the luckiest man alive to say i am his girl. But i sometimes feel like they're just saying that to make me feel better so that I'm not sad or down on myself anymore. But the truth is i need to and i am trying to work on loving myself because i know that i don't love myself the way i should which means that if i cant do it myself what makes me think that anyone else could or would want to love me as well. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "Sam you are beautiful." "Sam i love you!" things like that but i can...when i look in the mirror and see my reflection staring back at me all i do is point out everything i hate about myself and all my flaws i wish i could magaically fix. I dont want to do that anymore so i am working on changing that slowly but i am working on it. :)
I also just recently just learned a very hard lesson, but that is what life is all about is learning lessons and bettering yourself from them. Two weeks without taking to someone you normally talk to every day, you tell them everything that is going on when you dont want to tell anyone else, and you love them like they are family is a very tough thing to do. I will never get involved in a prank that i have a guilty feeling about ever again. I would like to publicly say I am sorry Rory for being involved, not telling you what was going on, and most importantly for hurting you. Last night when he was here and went to leave and he hugged me said "Just so you know Sam we're good i love you bff's always" all i could do was cry when he walked out the door. I thought that i had totally ruined and messed up one of the best friendships i have, but i didnt and im so happy that i didnt because eleven years is a long time but i want it to keep going eleven more years...well actually until we take our last breathes!! He is my male bff and an awesome one at that.
And last but sure the heck not least....I had the most amazing day with my parents a week ago. I know that i miss them more then anyone really knows or realizes, but the situation is better for all of us the way it is now. I would much rather have an amazing friendship/relationship with both my parents then us to live together and not get along a majority of the time. My family means the world to me and i cant even express how thankful and happy i am that they have done all the things that have for me throughout my life. If it wasnt for my parents and my family i dont know where i would be today. I know that i have made decisions and done things that they havent agreed with nor did they like them but i have to make mistakes in order to learn and better myself right? Honestly my mistakes havent been that bad which i am very thankful for but i know there is still so much stuff i need to learn and i slowly but surely am learning that with every decision you make there's something that comes along with it whether it be bad or good.
But with all of that being said i think that i am finally done with this blog for today. I hope that i didnt offend or upset anyone with anything i said, but these are my feelings and are exactly the things i am thinking and feeling right at this moment and time. :)
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